Sorry neighbor who’s choking to death, my cat’s resting his little head on my leg.
This, like, never happens.
You Might Also Like
I told this cashier she kinda looked like Lorde, and as I was walking out, heard the lady behind me assure her she did not look like Jesus.
Holiday dinners with family are like real life boss levels with the worst loot
HER: I love Game Of Thrones
ME(trying to impress her): I slept with my sister
Sometimes I’ll sign a wedding guestbook with something inspirational:
“1 out of 5 stars: would not recommend”
Sloth is a deadly sin and an animal.
How come we don’t have animals named after the other deadly sins?
My husband was typing and asked me how to spell suspicious and now I am.
I don’t consider myself to be an overly dramatic person, but I have had a mosquito bite ruin my life.
Van Gogh’s girlfriend: my dearest Vincent, lend me your ear
Him: cuts ear off
Her: I just wanted u to listen to me
Him: nah, I’m good
Why couldn’t the pirates play cards?
The captain was standing on the deck.
#CardPlayingDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Me: lord give me a sign
Lord: *gives me a sign*
Me: no, give me a sign I like
“Well well well if it isn’t the guy I’m stalking.”
“Get out of my hamper.”
My mother’s gravy is so lumpy it’s having a biopsy.
Waiter: Would the kids like some crayons?
Me: Please, they’re starving.
My toxic trait is drinking a giant cup of water and then getting on an hour and a half conference call
My parents are still threatening to put me up for adoption.
Wife: Let’s get my mom a special gift; one that will make her lose her mind!
Me: How about a guillotine?
Wife:
Me: I’ll be on the couch.
[At job interview]
Interviewer: So tell me why you want this job.
Me: I have no money and I prefer when I have money.
Top Seven Things Men Don’t See Coming:
7. Plot twists
6. Police cruiser
5. Love
4. Trash day
3. Health issues
2. Her reaction
1. That
Wife: can u pick the kids up from school?
Me blowing on the coffee in my ‘Worlds Best Dad Quarter Finalist’ mug: which school do they go to?
Being grown up is simply knowing that body wash is different from hand soap but the same as bar soap but shampoo is different from body wash and bar soap is not for your hair and we don’t put body wash or shampoo next to the sink or hand soap in the shower
I asked my twins the best thing about turning 6 and my boy twin said “my hands growing bigger” and my girl twin said “I can drink wine now”
Am I pissed my dad’s been gone for 25 years going to the store for “cigarettes”? Probably not as pissed as he is. The line must be out of control.
OMG 🤣🤣
If you glue a dead wasp to your palm, you can smack your boss on the back of the head as hard as you want and act like you saved him.
[True Love’s gf on 7th day of Christmas, forcing smile]
awww Swans! how sweet! thx hon, these 7 birds will go nicely with the other 16 birds
Let’s take a moment to be thankful that ponytails don’t wag like dog tails when we’re excited.
We only teach “stop, drop and roll” to put out fire but honestly if you do it in pretty much any social situation it will also stop that.
Welcome to your 40’s. Your body now involuntarily makes haunted house sound effects.
The average person gains 4 pounds during the holidays. Once again, I’m above average.
I will take your secret to the grave. Unless I’m drunk and revealing it will make me popular.