Sorry, package of toilet paper. I’m only making one trip from the car with these grocery bags, so you’re sleeping in the car tonight.
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I saved a ton money on a security system by hanging a picture of my paycheck on the front door.
Let’s make a calendar where the models look worse as the year goes on so I feel like I’m progressing in my fitness goals
Please don’t ask her what she wants for Valentine’s day. She’ll say she wants nothing. You’ll believe her and we both know how it’s going to end.
This isn’t chess folks. Pick a nuggie sauce and move along
It’s so annoying when you’re trying to poison someone but they’re just not thirsty 🙁
OBAMA: I want to close Gitmo
GOP: no
OBAMA: But you haven’t even—
GOP: no
OBAMA: …
GOP: no
OBAMA: I’m resigning
GOP: no
OBAMA: haha gotcha
[evil villain turns around in chair to confront adversary but spins too fast and does two complete revolutions before talking]
Nothing scarier than unlocking your phone in front of coworkers and not remembering what the last thing on your screen was.
Aries: You will be transported into a video game. Don’t get excited. You’ll be a tree.
Some say the glass is half empty. Some say it’s half full. I ask “Are you going to finish that?”.
I like when flies won’t leave my car on long road trips. Have fun moving to Kansas, you tiny idiot.
My wife asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I winked at her.
She bought me eye drops.
Car commercials grossly overestimate how much time I spend driving around in the desert
*makes airplane noise*
*swings arm around*
*slides chapstick across your chapped lips*
After taking this customer satisfaction survey, please take a brief survey to let us know how your experience taking our survey was.
Stop sending me this shit.
We’re all searching for that magical connection & mine came in the form of a chicken wing.
Crap. I accidentally pulled up Instagram instead of Instacart. Now it’s 2 hours later and I have no groceries for Sunday prep but I know where Rihanna bought her hoop earrings and I have 20 cute pumpkin pics saved.
Is your meth contaminated with coronavirus? This Florida police dept. will test it for free
Fellas, don’t feel like you can’t offer your wife cooking tips, even after she spends all day making a delicious home cooked meal. And it doesn’t hurt to throw in “That’s not how my mom used to do it”.
Swarming gnats, but instead of annoying you, they provide compliments. “You look pretty.” “Dinner was delicious.” “Way to handle that difficult coworker, Chris. We hate her.”
when you just wanna do your zoom call but your cat wants to start an onlyfans
[Getting home from fishing trip]
MOM: Catch anything?
ME: No, but a bear did.
MOM: Where’s your father?
Psychiatrist: “Your check bounced and was returned for insufficient funds.”
Me: “So how does that make you feel?”
Apparently everyone in this Court room doesn’t want to play Duck Duck Goose……Excuse me for trying to lighten up this murder trial.
[McDonalds drive thru]
toddler [possibly drunk] ASK IF THEY HAVE POP TARTS
If this guy doesn’t stop staring at my boobs, well then, I’m just gonna have to wear this shirt more often.
Cop: And how would you describe the assailant?
Me: I guess I’d start with hair, eye, and skin color. Probably height and weight next…
If it weren’t for bad decisions, I’d be pretty indecisive.
He said he absolutely would not hang Christmas lights today when I asked. Anyway, he’s almost done hanging the lights, they look very nice.