Did you know that the sound of fallen leaves scattering across the pavement in the wind sounds just like someone running up behind you in the dark?
Did you also know I can run 83 mph?
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Apparently this weekend there will be constant rane, hale, gails, drissle, thundre, litnin, hy tydes, tawnaydoes and frizzing colde.
Really bad spell of wether.
FLORIDA MAN SUFFOCATED TO DEATH AFTER HAVING SEX WITH PET ANACONDA
My 10 y/o daughter checked my wife’s Fitbit and she “didn’t move enough last night to be Santa Claus” and I still don’t have a “real beard” so it appears the old man will be back next year.
Looking forward to Keanu Reeves making improvements to his home in the upcoming
Matrix: Renovations
My Dyslexic Cat thinks she has ” P ” no. of lives.
The child: (hearing someone get mad) you say that word sometimes, Mommy.
Me: What word?
The child: Funking.
Me: No, honey, I don’t ever say funking.
My wife and I just finished an intense 6-month mediation to pick the movie we’re going to fall asleep 10 minutes into.
Is there anything funnier than when a cozy cat or dog suddenly heaves a big SIGH like dude what could possibly be the matter
I’m working on inventing an electronic Ouija board so that I can keep tweeting after I die.
How do stick men play fetch with their dog?
The people who invented cars were called the automan empire. Also the people who invented weight training are called history buffs. Knowledge is power.
Genie: and for your last wish?
Me: I wish I could reverse age a few years.
*wakes up with a pimple the size of Australia*
Me: NOT LIKE THIS!!!
What animal do I respect most? The octopus. I have no idea what to do with my hands most of the time, and I only have two of them.
My nail technicians always speak their native language around me and I can’t help but feel left out…it’s like…come on besties…I want to make fun of me too
“I want to emphasize this paragraph in my email, but putting it in italics doesn’t seem like enough so I’ll also underline it and put it in boldface, a different font and a different color.” -psychopaths
me when my kids won’t try their food: you might like it
me when my kids want to try my food: you won’t like it
Jeff Bezos has dropped to 3rd place in the world’s richest person rankings after being replaced by an Indian billionaire. Please visit our bio for the link to Bezos’s GoFundMe page. ❤️
If I have to bless 3 or more of your sneezes, it’s an exorcism at that point. Sorry but you’re on your own.
Taped a note to the beehive warning the Queen to recall her bees or face a flamethrower. Bitch called and told me to suck her bee clit. 🙁
Now that I’m in my mid-forties I think I’ll take up parkour.
My Grandma saw all of your tweets about stepping on Legos & asked if any of you cream puffs have ever heard of a game called Jacks?
As the best book lists of 2021 drop
The embarrassing moment when you bring handcuffs to ‘gamenight’ and she brings Monopoly.
Why is my daughter asking me to play jenga like I didn’t give her a brother and sister for that exact reason?
My wife and I have a rule whoever is driving controls the radio, unless I’m driving and then she controls the radio.
My husband ruins every game show by figuring out how much tax the winner will have to pay.
“I can’t lie to you”
You suck at lying, don’t blame that shit on me
Me: I’ve joined a 12-step program.
Friend: That’s great. What are you trying to get off of?
Me: The treadmill very quickly
Me: I can’t come in. I got food poisoning last night.
Boss: Oh no. Did you throw up?
M: Yup
B: What did you eat?
M: 17 beers
B: …
Who called it emotional baggage and not griefcase