Guy: I don’t deserve you.
Girl: Awwwww…you’re so sweet…
Guy: I don’t mean that in a good way.
Sorry, package of water bottles. I’m only making one trip from the car with these grocery bags, so you’re sleeping in the car tonight.
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Interviewer: Your resume only has “Mad” under “Skills”
Me: Yeah boyee
Interviewer: *tears up* You’re just what we need. Welcome to Subway.
[Someone is rude to me]
ME: “Oh well.”
[Someone is rude to my friend]
ME: *frantically googling for spells that turn people into crabs*
Mugger: Give me everything you got
Me: Hope you like a low credit score and insomnia
look for my book on Amazon: What To Do When Your Teen May Be Abusing ADHD Meds But Goddammit His Chores Are Actually Done For Once
Exercise makes you look better naked. But so does whiskey, it’s your choice.
(any scene in a movie in which more than one person appears)
DAD: You couldn’t do that now. Coronavirus.
“orange u glad im not a banana?”
…. MARTHA THERES A RACIST ORAMGE AT THE DOOR DO I LET HIM IN
Saw a bird at my feeder shit on another bird’s head and that bird just kept right on eating. I’ve never before felt this close to nature.
When the imaginary zebras start sawing off your legs, it’s time to lay off the hard stuff.