@AbbyHasIssues

Sorry, package of water bottles. I’m only making one trip from the car with these grocery bags, so you’re sleeping in the car tonight.

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@mimicz

Guy: I don’t deserve you.
Girl: Awwwww…you’re so sweet…
Guy: I don’t mean that in a good way.

@JediGigi

Interviewer: Your resume only has “Mad” under “Skills”

Me: Yeah boyee

Interviewer: *tears up* You’re just what we need. Welcome to Subway.

@roxiqt

[Someone is rude to me]
ME: “Oh well.”

[Someone is rude to my friend]
ME: *frantically googling for spells that turn people into crabs*

@ObscureGent

Mugger: Give me everything you got

Me: Hope you like a low credit score and insomnia

@seamussaid

look for my book on Amazon: What To Do When Your Teen May Be Abusing ADHD Meds But Goddammit His Chores Are Actually Done For Once

@mactx85

Exercise makes you look better naked. But so does whiskey, it’s your choice.

@sannewman

(any scene in a movie in which more than one person appears)

DAD: You couldn’t do that now. Coronavirus.

@jonnysun

“knock knock”
whos there
“orange”
orange who
“orange u glad im not a banana?”
…. MARTHA THERES A RACIST ORAMGE AT THE DOOR DO I LET HIM IN

@Mindless4Miles

Saw a bird at my feeder shit on another bird’s head and that bird just kept right on eating. I’ve never before felt this close to nature.

@scorpicpanda

When the imaginary zebras start sawing off your legs, it’s time to lay off the hard stuff.