Any way is the right way to plug in a USB if you’re not a weakass
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people with the flu: *stay in bed*
people with corona:
COPS: COME OUT OF THE HOUSE
“I’LL NEVER COME OUT”
COPS: WE WERE TALKING TO YOUR DOG. WE WANT TO PET HIM
Of all the martial arts, karaoke inflicts the most pain.
If you ever see me running… it’s either away from my problems or towards an ice cream van
The moon is moving away from the earth at about 5 inches a year so it’s like the longest break up ever
interviewer: can you explain these gaps in your resume?
me: umm I believe those are from the space bar
“Hello, my name’s Drew and I’m an addict”
“Sir, this is a cheese counter”
Blackberry users thought of making a joke abt the Apple-Samsung battle, but before they cud tweet thr phone hanged n battery drained out
[stewardess]
“Sir, even if you ARE, as you say, the REAL Slim Shady- the captain has asked for all passengers to remain seated at this time”
*Weather changes*
BODY: This is weird. Must have an asthma attack.
*Anything else changes*
MIND: This is weird. Must have a panic attack.
WIFE: Stop spending all our money
ME: Okay, fine
[later]
WIFE: *visibly angry* WTF?
ME: *zooming by on a new Segway* RELAX KAREN, I STOLE IT
tinder girl: are you just copy and pasting your responses to other women?
me: lol you’re hilarious. i didn’t grow up in the area but love the music scene out here haha
Today I was on the treadmill for over an hour. I was so pleased with my progress that tomorrow I might actually turn it on
Can we just admit that a 5-year-old named walkie talkies?
Tweezers? Razor? Oh, hell no! By the time this is over, I’m going to need new shears and a lawn mower.
Me: Tonight I’m going to get some good sleep.
WebMD: With the fishes.
I can handle crows feet, I can handle random gray hairs, but telling me I need bifocals in my glasses…that optometrist never knew what hit him.
Me. I hit him.
I have never bought a snack faster on name alone in my life.
The only running I do is to the microwave to catch the beep before the dog hears it go off
It never fails: whenever I’m at a crime scene, analyzing blood spatter and bullet trajectories, someone always assumes I’m a CSI.
Googles ‘why everyone hates self-made rich geniuses’
I’ve been playing GTA for an hour and I still can’t find the “exchange insurance information” button.
She died as she lived—shouting expletives at a box of cling wrap.
Fool me once shame on you fool me 27 times you’re a piece of lint on the floor disguised as a bug
I’d like to think my children have so much more to learn from me but my son asked me how big the sun is and I replied with “big” so chances are I’ve already taught them everything I know.
My Dad turns off his cell phone when he’s home because, “I have a phone at home, why waist the battery?”
Love you Dad
‘Ugh you never let me get ANYTHING!’
-my 5 year old holding a balloon, cotton candy, and two packs of sparklers.
He’s been preparing for this moment his entire life 😂😭
Person 1: You should do Yoga.
Person 2: Why would I ever do that little green guy from Star Wars? He’s not sexy at all.
Person 3: She means the picnic basket stealing bear, idiot.