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If you see me at a campground, that’s not me. It’s clearly a case of body snatching.


Friend:*terrified* don’t make a sound and maybe the killer won’t find us

Me: *quietly tries to tighten velcro sneakers*


Years and years of periods are how women got so good at cleaning up after murders.

And I’ve said too much.


wife: hey…HEY

me: *takes out earbuds*

wife: would you like to see your newborn son for the first time?

me: *puts earbuds back in*


worm: sorry i slept in hey where is everyone


I’m not the kind of man who runs after women…….

But, I can walk.


Asked my son what special dinner he wanted me to make now that he’s home… he asked for a full Thanksgiving dinner, so now a turkey is thawing for his request


-Brain: Too expensive, you’ll never wear it. Don’t buy this dress.
-Heart: But what are you going to wear if someone takes you to a ball in their castle in France?


“Are there drug dealers on Twitter?” Asking for 522 friends.