If you see me at a campground, that’s not me. It’s clearly a case of body snatching.
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Friend:*terrified* don’t make a sound and maybe the killer won’t find us
Me: *quietly tries to tighten velcro sneakers*
Years and years of periods are how women got so good at cleaning up after murders.
And I’ve said too much.
me: *takes out earbuds*
wife: would you like to see your newborn son for the first time?
me: *puts earbuds back in*
worm: sorry i slept in hey where is everyone
I’m not the kind of man who runs after women…….
But, I can walk.
Asked my son what special dinner he wanted me to make now that he’s home… he asked for a full Thanksgiving dinner, so now a turkey is thawing for his request
-Brain: Too expensive, you’ll never wear it. Don’t buy this dress.
-Heart: But what are you going to wear if someone takes you to a ball in their castle in France?
“Are there drug dealers on Twitter?” Asking for 522 friends.