@JRobb773: Sorry, pal, but you’re not the first guy who has tried to lose me inside a haunted house.
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@bourgeoisalien: cat 911: hello cat: i need to report a murder cat 911: kevin, is this you again cat: yes cat 911: what did we tell you kevin cat: [long pause] that my food bowl being 1/3 empty is not a murder
@TheBoydP: Spoiler alert: Doctor Strange could not become a Sorcerer Supreme until he learned to like sour cream.
@jwoodham: Asking someone out is so unpredictable. You never know exactly how they're going to say no.
@djdarrellripley: Me: Don't be mean to my friend. Her: Your friend just broke in my door and almost strangled me. Me: I said he was my friend, not yours.