Sorry pregnant ladies, all of your 3D ultrasounds look like Gollum in an Ikea lampshade.
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Just got a residual check for 6 dollars for my scene in Almost Famous sooo…going to Vegas!!!!!!!!
“Better safe than sorry,” I say, as I key my phone number into the side of his car
I like in RPGs when you kill a wild animal and it has, like, $5 and a spoon on it for some reason
*Takes off FitBit*
Ok, weigh me now
Relationship status: Lucy holding the football for Charlie Brown to kick. She’s Lucy. I’m the football.
Why are trains so expensive? You going that way anyways, just drop me off
I hate when idiots are like “Just punch a shark in the nose and he’ll leave.” Yea, just punch a submerged 2 ton killing machine in the nose.
“Thanks for the homemade wine. If going blind had a flavour, this would be it.”
* why I’m not allowed to write thank you cards anymore.
If I remove any clothing at all, the man thinks it’s sexy time, so now I just step into the shower fully dressed.
I’ve gained a couple lbs so I went and bought some new granny panties and I’ve gotta say if there’s a fire at our house my 7yr old can use those suckers to parachute from the top floor to safety.
Nobody talks about how much of a newborn dad’s job is literally being a chair
I don’t need to go to Christian Mingle to find God’s match for me because I already know it’s pizza
squirrels pondering the nature of why they end up on the wire they just jumped from a moment ago
Her: so you’re a teacher? What do you teach?
Me *nervous*: children
ME: I wonder why you have to disclose if someone died in a house you’re selling, but not a car
COUPLE NO LONGER BUYING MY CAR: we can walk from here, I think
“We can argue all day about the rights and wrongs, Barbara, but it won’t change the fact that we’re out of toilet paper”
I asked my 5yo if he wanted leftover chicken for dinner, he said ‘ew, that’s a whole day old’ and I didn’t know I gave birth to a mini Gordon Ramsey.
*runs thru a couple holding hands like it’s the finish line of a marathon.
For the longest time I never saw the word “petri dish” written so thought my science teacher was saying “pastry dish” and imagined big glass brownie pans being used in labs across the country
‘what goes on inside your head?’ nothing i wanna be a part of
Me *Happily comes home from the hairdresser with fresh highlights and cut.
Bf: So what did they do to it?
boss: david, you’re fired
me: *just got a haircut* is that alllllll you have to say to me 🙂
Life is like a box of chocolates,
The good ones are always gone before I get there!
How to ruin your kids day:
1. See their sock on the floor
2. Ask them to pick up their sock
[Dinner with GF’s parents]
Thank you for having me over, can I use the bathroom?
“MAY I use the bathroom”
*slams fists down*
I ASKED FIRST
Hell yeah I’m a catholic i’ve been addicted to cats my whole life
People like to encourage you with helpful advice like “sing like no one is listening” but hate it when you actually do it in line at the Target checkout
40-26-36.
My measurements?
Naw.
Just the three Chinese meal entrees I’m ordering.
I love the smell of a camp fire. It reminds me of the night we kille….
…..I just love smell of campfires.