Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

@michaeljhudson

A parliament of owls, a murder of crows, a thatsso of ravens

@slimmy_shady

Scientists claim that the Big Bang was the loudest noise that has ever occured in history. They obviously haven’t met my kids.

@XplodingUnicorn

My 5-year-old refused to eat her dinner because Netflix was running slow.

At least she picked a worthy cause for her hunger strike.

@caseytduncan

My parallel parking skills are unparalleled.

@sweatsntopknots

Me *drooling

It’s not you, it’s the pepper jack.

@climaxximus

[doing a crossword]

friend: what’s a 9 letter word for phony

me: baby horse

friend: no like fake

me: unicorn jr

@warne888

When you’re at someone’s house? Normal people: “What a lovely house!” Me: “What’s your wifi password?”

@Amburglar_

I teach curse words and racial slurs to children whose parents allow them to run around restaurants.

@longwall26

If you name a baby “Steve” you get to spend all day, like, “Yo, my man Steve shit himself and threw a potato at the cat.”