Sorry random child at the playground that my daughter just invited to her birthday party 4 months from now. It’s never going to happen.
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TUESDAY. The day you realize that nothing can stop you, because you are a MAGIC SKELETON packed with MEAT and animated with ELECTRICITY and IMAGINATION. You have a cave in your face full of sharp bones and five tentacles at the end of each arm. YOU CAN DO ANYTHING, MAGIC SKELETON
[Dark alley at midnight]
*Knife-wielding punk approaches
Me: “Don’t make me do something I might regret…”
*Punk sneers & raises knife
*I phone up and propose to my married high-school girlfriend
Whenever I see a new couple on a date I walk up to their table, hold up my phone and tell the guy “You’re Wife Sarah says hello”.
me: I need to speak with the megaster
megachurch pastor: we’re still called ministers
Me: Hi Gammy.
Her: Do I know you?
Me: When did she get amnesia?
Sister: She doesn’t have amnesia. She owes you money.
ah yes the two sexualities, queer and italian
Hey girl, heaven must be missing an angel….cause it looks like you ate one
one time my cousin greg put on two jean jackets and he exploded, there was mustache everywhere
Round 2… FIGHT
– me, handing one tablet to both kids
At any given time, I know more about the whereabouts of my Amazon packages than I do any member of my extended family.
[describing a chair] it’s like a swing without all the drama
CDC: i know u been shut in all week-
ME: im good
CDC: if you have to
go out-ME: i wont
CDC: ok but if you really need-
ME: *puts headphones back in*
me: [absolutely shredding] I told you I played a little guitar
him: that’s a mandolin
95% of American office workers are watching the World Cup right now.
Overall productivity level remains steady.
[sifting through mail]
baby shower invitation? Haha, um no thanks, Linda. I have a regular size shower that I can use whenever I want
No one:
My brain: the word ‘platitude’ kinda just sounds like a platypus with an attitude
My cousin met her husband five years ago on tinder and are now married with kids but she still has him in her phone as “Tom Tinder”
ME: Im a secret agent
THEM: With like the FBI
ME: Idk its a secret
*hands cashier chihuahua*
“One waffle cone, please.”
“ICEBERG, RIGHT? A HEAD?”
– Cook on the Titanic, confirming salad ingredients
“I’m disguising all my tweets as Marilyn Monroe quotes from now on.”
-Marilyn Monroe
If my teenagers see this tweet, since no one is answering my texts….mommy’s flight is on time and the house better be clean when I get home.
The good thing about a seven hour meeting is you can get a full night’s sleep.
Personally cannot wait to get microchipped, why should my dog be the only who who benefits from this technology
People who enjoy salt & vinegar chips are a sturdier breed, more prepared for life’s challenges
You only pronounce the ugh in doughnut when it’s so, so, good. That’s why American doughnuts are spelled like donut.
guy: man this water is warm
extremely narcissistic Luke: nah it’s not that warm this is like a different kind of warm tbh
[getting a ride home]
Me: ok keep going straight here
Train engineer: stop saying that
The worst thing about turning up at the ER drunk at 4am is explaining to the nurse that my 9 year old drove here.
oh i’d definitely choose flight over invisibility. i’d fly everywhere! to the living room, the bedroom. back to the living room. everywhere