Sorry random child at the playground that my daughter just invited to her birthday party 4 months from now. It’s never going to happen.

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Scientists claim that the Big Bang was the loudest noise that has ever occured in history. They obviously haven’t met my kids.


My 5-year-old refused to eat her dinner because Netflix was running slow.

At least she picked a worthy cause for her hunger strike.


[doing a crossword]

friend: what’s a 9 letter word for phony

me: baby horse

friend: no like fake

me: unicorn jr


When you’re at someone’s house? Normal people: “What a lovely house!” Me: “What’s your wifi password?”


I teach curse words and racial slurs to children whose parents allow them to run around restaurants.


If you name a baby “Steve” you get to spend all day, like, “Yo, my man Steve shit himself and threw a potato at the cat.”