Sorry random child at the playground that my daughter just invited to her birthday party 4 months from now. It’s never going to happen.
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A parliament of owls, a murder of crows, a thatsso of ravens
Scientists claim that the Big Bang was the loudest noise that has ever occured in history. They obviously haven’t met my kids.
My 5-year-old refused to eat her dinner because Netflix was running slow.
At least she picked a worthy cause for her hunger strike.
My parallel parking skills are unparalleled.
It’s not you, it’s the pepper jack.
[doing a crossword]
friend: what’s a 9 letter word for phony
me: baby horse
friend: no like fake
me: unicorn jr
When you’re at someone’s house? Normal people: “What a lovely house!” Me: “What’s your wifi password?”
I teach curse words and racial slurs to children whose parents allow them to run around restaurants.
If you name a baby “Steve” you get to spend all day, like, “Yo, my man Steve shit himself and threw a potato at the cat.”