Sorry random child at the playground that my daughter just invited to her birthday party 4 months from now. It’s never going to happen.
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The police want me to wear a wire; albeit a thick handcuff-shaped wire.
Kids: *doing something they shouldn’t*
Me: Stop or I’ll be mad
Kids: *keep doing it*
Me: Stop or Mom will be mad
Kids:*stop immediately*
COP: “Sir, do you know why I pulled you over?”
ME: “It was way easier than solving a murder?”
knowing stuff is probably the worst thing you could do for your mental health
*jogging*
Me: *out of breath* go on I’ll catch up
Him: *turns around to see me eating a can of cherry pie filling*
Avacado is butter mascarading as a vegetable.
Somebody had to say it.
Bro are you joking? Are you being a court jester right now? Dude, are you jumping around in your jingly jangly hat bro?
Why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near? It’s because you are feeding them bread Karen.
Me: Don’t make this weird
Brain: Sucks helium and laughs like Woody Woodpecker
Bad luck, Atheists named Christian.
People would be more motivated to lose weight if the weight they lost went on to someone they didn’t like. 🤷🏻♀️ 🍩
waiter: any water for the table
me: [to date] does he not know trees die when you cut them down or
[fancy restaurant]
me: this has a fine oaky taste
sommelier: sir is eating the cork
You didn’t want to camp out with me to buy the new ABBA album. If you change your mind, I’m the first in line.
ORANGUTAN ADOPTS THREE TIGER BABIES
airline: you need to pay to check luggage.
passenger: ok i’ll carry it on then.
airline: wow so weird we’re low on overhead space now.
[Couples’ Counselling]
Her: If he doesn’t stop talking in corporate cliches I’m leaving him
Me (in tears): Please don’t downsize our unit!
My wife’s kidnappers sent her back early with a full apology, some money, and several of their fingers.
MY DOG (sitting at the dining room table, doing his homework): What does anthropomorphise mean?
Will I understand Charles III if I haven’t seen Charles I or II
Slot twist: That USB drive goes in the other way. Turn it over
I plan the silliest murders in my dreams because all I have to do to get away with it is wake up.
Occasionally, the universe will send a sniffly stranger to stand too close to you in the store and inexplicably follow you through a couple aisles. Just for funsies
Be the reason someone gets out of bed in the morning, even if it is just to make sure the door is locked.
wife: What’s wrong?
me [annoyed that my toddler broke the yellow crayon and now I can’t color the duck on the kids menu] Nothing
People who make up phrases and try to pass them off as popular sayings are just throwing meat to the monkeys in the middle of a maelstrom.
Surfing is a good choice for people who like skateboarding but wish it had more sharks.
THIS IS THE COPS, COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP
“No”
WE WON’T ASK AGAIN
“No”
Ok guys, let’s go. We can’t ask again
Welcome to Cupcake Yoga! NomNomaste.
If your phone gets wet, put it in a bag of rice because maybe an Asian will come by and fix it.