Sorry Siri, talking to machines is not for me. I still get tongue-tied at the drive-through.
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Don’t worry if you had a bad day, remember there are people who have their ex’s name tattooed.
I don’t need a New Year’s resolution, it’s the year’s turn to be better.
My youngest just learned that he and his older brother have the same last name. He said, “You mean you never told me this?!” 😆
Getting your shit together just sounds unsanitary
life finds a way
89% of my class in high school thought I was good in math because I’m Asian. Luckily the other 27% were smarter than that.
Scenes around 10 Downing Street tonight 😅 Congratulations England, richly deserved 👏🏽🏆 #PAKvENG #T20WorldCupFinal
Caesar: You will be forced to fight to the death
Gladiator: Hell yeah
Madiator: well this is bullshit
When I’m behind a slow car I steer my car a little to the right so the people behind me can see it isn’t my fault.
wife: oh cool, the zoo reopened
me: [sitting on couch shirtless in cutoff sweats while drinking beer] why would I want to go look at a some bored dumb animal who sits around all day doing nothing
Nothing says “I m not interested” quite as loudly as showing up for a date
landlord put a coin-op pay box on the laundry a month into our stay so I’m looking up the manufacturer and buying a replacement key for it to steal my quarters back.
E-Harmony Rep: And here’s your starter cat-
Me: What?
Rep: Here’s your starter pack.
Me: You said cat.
Rep:
Me:
Rep:
Me:
Rep: *folder meows*
Me: I wish I had an egg and cheese biscuit.
Husband: McDonald’s sells breakfast all day.
Me, feigning surprise: They do?
Husband: Yes, want me to go?
Me: That is so sweet you don’t have to.
Husband: But I want to!And that is how marriage works.
Psychologist: Let’s play a word association game. I’ll say a word, you say what springs to mind
Rainbows
Me: I hope my ex dies in a fire.
Friend: I want a baby.
Me: Remember when your neighbor was practicing the clarinet at 1AM? It’s like that, but you can’t call the cops.
Aisle 3: oh my god hi!
Aisle 5: haha hi
Aisle 9: yeah hello…
Aisle 10: [little smile]
Aisle 13: I swear to god I will cut you if I see your face again-Death spiral of a friendship when you keep running into them at Target
they probably named the Rocky mountains first and then saw all the other mountains and were like “oh”
emcee: welcome, contestants, to the world bodybuilding championships!
victor frankenstein: *looking around* i think i’ve made a horrible mistake.
You’re not “retaining water” Shannon, you’re retaining the 37 bottles of wine you drank since early March
[Day at the beach]
*Puts suits on kids, slathers them with sunscreen, makes sandwiches, packs cooler, packs beach bags, lugs 50 lbs or crap to beach, trudges over sand, lays out blanket, puts up umbrella, sets up beach chairs, *
6yo after 30 minutes: I wanna go back home
That old expression: “hold the phone!” doesn’t work anymore because everyone is already doing that
I’ve never met a day I couldn’t ruin.
[morgue]
mum: [crying over my bullet ridden body] how did this happen
cop: the robber yelled “everyone be cool” so he tried to do a kickflip
Me recordaron éste meme
I’m fine, doctor. My heart rate was elevated because I was thinking about tacos
friend: what r u up to
me: eating 3 pounds of pasta
friend: what r u training for
me: eating 5
Her: Stop undressing me with your looks.
Me: Sorry! There, I just redressed you.
Her: You idiot. I wasn’t wearing this!
I’m a multitasker, for example I can be a couch potato and a baked potato at the same time
“conference” comes from the Latin “con” meaning “together with” and “ference” meaning “the worst people on earth”