Brain: “something is wrong”
Me: “what is it?”
Brain: “you gotta guess ”
Sorry Taco Bell, but I came up with the Naked Chicken Chalupa before you did. Well actually Ambien did & I’m still banned from Taco Bell.
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If someone sees you accidentally bite into plastic fruit, commit. don’t show weakness. eat all of it
[wife gets home] did you feed the baby his spinach today?
[me doing push ups] hell no I’m not letting that baby get stronger than me
Me on the toilet: HEY I NEED SOME TOILET PAPER
6: *running around dressed like a mummy* we’re all out
The person who named the Sea of Tranquility on the Moon had to be a realtor.
I’m too immature to use a recipe that calls for cumin.
In honor of the longest night of the year I will also be cold, distant &filled with darkness.
You know what I really like about you, girl? You’re really down to earth. *waits for response, nothing. Goes to next tombstone* You know wha
Hate it when I put on active wear and nothing happens.
How DARE you go the speed limit in a situation like this…
~Me, to anyone with the audacity to be in front of me when I’m running late.