@cravin4

Sorry Taco Bell, but I came up with the Naked Chicken Chalupa before you did. Well actually Ambien did & I’m still banned from Taco Bell.

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@CrisMtzgr

Brain: “something is wrong”
Me: “what is it?”
Brain: “you gotta guess ”

@brucepoontip

If someone sees you accidentally bite into plastic fruit, commit. don’t show weakness. eat all of it

@PaperWash

[wife gets home] did you feed the baby his spinach today?

[me doing push ups] hell no I’m not letting that baby get stronger than me

@DaddyJew

Me on the toilet: HEY I NEED SOME TOILET PAPER

6: *running around dressed like a mummy* we’re all out

@RachelNoise

The person who named the Sea of Tranquility on the Moon had to be a realtor.

@DothTheDoth

In honor of the longest night of the year I will also be cold, distant &filled with darkness.

@PajamaBen_

You know what I really like about you, girl? You’re really down to earth. *waits for response, nothing. Goes to next tombstone* You know wha

@BrassBallsCJ

How DARE you go the speed limit in a situation like this…

~Me, to anyone with the audacity to be in front of me when I’m running late.