Sorry Taco Bell, but I came up with the Naked Chicken Chalupa before you did. Well actually Ambien did & I’m still banned from Taco Bell.
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Why the hell would I use turn signals? I know where we’re going.
If I knew I was going to have to homeschool my kids, I would have made sure my husband used a condom.
“I’d like a nice stiff entendre please.”
– Want me to make it a double?
“I’ll just take it as it comes.”
My girlfriend is always yelling at me because I get my directions mixed up.
So I packed my bags and right left away !
Date: Lets break the ice.
Polar bear: break th-[shatters Coke bottle] BREAK THE ICE? What are you saying?!
D: I mea-
PB: THATS MY HOME LINDA
My daughter just announced she’s SICK of stupid-ass people. I said “Oh darlin, you’re gonna feel ill for a long time.. they’re everywhere.”
Nintendo say they are protecting children from inappropriate language online by making their voice chat app so bad that nobody will use it
5yo: if superman & batman had a big fight, superman could throw him into space where he’d suffocate’. I’m raising a problem solver you guys.
Sometimes I worry that pizza isn’t a real sport
They said if gay marriage became legal, people would start marrying dogs and cats, but I guess that was just another bs political promise.
earth is the only habitable planet in the solar system. wow. feeling very lucky that it’s the one i was born on
the simulation is moving too fast
Son: Mom, set a 30-minute timer on your phone.
Me: Okay.
[30 minutes later]
Son: What keeps beeping??
Me: I have no idea
Is it still a walk of shame if I’m leaving my own house?
It ain’t like I’m proud of what happened in there.
“When do we learn how to breathe underwater?” My kid, overestimating his swimming lessons.
Unlike regular Jiu Jitsu, Brazilian Jiu Jitsu will get you out of a hairy situation.
For someone who said “Correct me if I’m wrong…” you seemed genuinely surprised and upset when I did.
The Three Hole Punch either sounds like an awesome karate move or an awful bedroom experience.
Dating is like a 2-day-old box of chocolates.
The good ones are already taken.
The same people that made fun of me for my calculator watch in high school are now wearing Apple watches.
Get out, RUN! That DM was coming from INSIDE THE HOUSE
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH:
Here we see the weakest of the herd in its natural habitat.
[camera pans to me laying in bed eating cake]
obviously, you’d be a fool not to get two
If people ever criticize you for being too short, they are literally saying that the worst thing about you is that there isn’t more of you.
talking to animals doesn’t make you crazy, hearing them talk back does
Maybe the dog broke my wife’s vintage cranberry glass vase, she don’t know.
Me: Its a bear! Quick play dead!
*falls down and covers himself with leaves*
Her: We’re in a zoo!!
Well, son, back in my day, we didn’t have a fancy robot to turn the tv on for us. We only had a boomerang.
[dog park]
Dog: omg I just found out I’m adopted
Other Dogs: [barking in shock]