Sorry Taco Bell, but I came up with the Naked Chicken Chalupa before you did. Well actually Ambien did & I’m still banned from Taco Bell.
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there were like 2 years when american internet culture was obsessed with bacon and at the time we thought that was as bad as it could get
I realized I was maybe not the best listener when a friend had to come out to me twice.
A customer service employee on the phone just told me they can’t get me an appointment for the same day as the appointment they canceled, but as a courtesy, they won’t CHARGE ME DOUBLE.
therapist: what’s on your mind
me: why would a bull be in a china shop to begin with
[thrift store]
Me: I’d like one thrift, please
Cashier: sir, we sell used-
Me: money is no object
C: we don’t-
M: I need a thrift
Coworker: I have a degree in History. Me: That’ll really come in handy if life starts going backwards.
[visiting Hell as a tourist]
Satan: good morning, how do you want your eggs
Me: how bout *finger guns* deviled
Satan: congratulations you get to stay here
Her: Can you babysit?
Me: Uh, what do I do?
H: Play games & stuff.
M: Like drinking games?
H: He’s 2.
M:
H:
M: So like no hard liquor or…?
Guys with balls hangin from ur truck. that would mean ur truck is a man,yes? Which means you like to be inside a dude all day. Lol homo. : p
Fitness bloggers are like, “Just fill your cabinets with healthy food.” You mean my spice museums?!
Victor Frankenstein being only 23 years old when he made the monster is crazy to me, he should have been at the club.
convinced my 44 year old therapist to confront her husband about not liking her instagram posts and left the session feeling so empowered by the realization that while she can’t make me better, i can make us both worse.
HR Manager: Some of your coworkers think you’re mean and vengeful
Me: They are going to pay for saying that
With the rise in grocery prices my cashier now asks if I’m ready before giving me the total, the answer is always no but I appreciate his sensitivity
My cat swallowed a ball of wool a few months ago and just gave birth to a litter of mittens
The best thing about having siblings is roping them into Schemes
[day 7 of quarantine]
zzz
<⌒/ヽ-、__
/<_/____/
 ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄∧_∧ oh no
( ・ω・) im late for work
_| ⊃/(___
/ └-(____/
 ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄<⌒/ヽ-、__ lol
/<_/____/
 ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄
I’ll climb down out of this tree when people stop referring to common sense as a life hack
One time for my child’s birthday party, I accidentally sent the kids home with whistles in their goodie bags. I lost 47 friends that day.
“Hello, can I speak to Mr Featherstonehaugh please?”
“How are you pronouncing that?”
“It doesn’t matter, this is a written joke”
Her: If you look up immature in the dictionary you’ll see a picture of yourself!
Me: Oh I’m immature? I’m not the one with pictures in my dictionary Karen!
If you’re not carrying around matchbooks from places you’ve been recently I don’t know why you don’t want your murder to be solved
*fills the ice tray once*
I’M THE ONLY ONE WHO DOES ANYTHING IN THIS PLACE
My teachers always told me drugs were never the answer, but they also told me Pluto was a planet, so now I don’t know what to think.
Here’s a little song about post-Christmas cleanup it’s called “Where the Hell Are We Going to Put All This Shit” and a one and a two
is nasa ok
My 4yo picked up a toy and put it away without being asked, and I just stared at her like she was a woodland animal I didn’t want to scare.
[commercial for rakes]
“Are u tired of eating leaves?”
Please stop summoning me if you’re out of sacrificial snacks.