Sorry that I took a picture of my armpit and tried to pass it off as my thigh gap.
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I was wondering what was poking my stomach and it was a potato chip I had with my lunch that fell down my shirt. Damn we even took a nap together.
Hey ghosts, I just updated my kitchen with open shelving good luck slamming the cupboards you nerds
hate when i accidentally forget i’m on a weight loss journey by about noon every single day
Taking my sunglasses out of 2’s hands while he naps in the car is the closest I will come to diffusing a bomb.
PILOT: we’ll be experiencing some cabin pressure changes
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: *sits down next to me* so have you thought about going back to school
Be romantic. Send her a dozen of red flags 🤨
He told me to come dressed to kill for our first date…
I now realise my Freddie Krueger outfit was not what he had in mind
I’ve spent the better part of my day trying to figure out why “mustache” & “headache” don’t rhyme.
Chairs are pretty great.
You can fight a lion, or sit if you want.
Had a yard sale to raise some much-needed cash. I really miss that yard.
me: why do you involve your friends in all our fights
her: “that’s not true”
text from Beth: that’s not true
ME: i’m writing a book about lame cars
HER: what’s it called
ME: sorry, no spoilers
“NEVER MIND, WE GOT ONE.”
What do we want?
“A TIME MACHINE.”
When do we want it?
*I reach for the thermostat*
*my dad runs in barking*
*neighbor’s dad starts barking*
*within seconds all the neighborhood dads are barking*
Please sir, Under Arrest is my father’s name. You can call me Free To Leave.
I’ve been anticipating all his needs and trying to be more on time with all of his demands. I really hope my cat picks me for employee of the month this time.
I mean, technically aren’t we all “foodies”? I’ve never met anyone who’s like “nothing for me waiter, I’ll just photosynthesize”.
Me to my 18yo, who doesn’t like chocolate: What do you crave when you have your period?
Her: Justice.
There are two types of people in this world. Those who make fun of Wordle. And those who can solve a Wordle.
Maybe print wouldn’t be dying if they still employed tough dirty children to yell at me to read all about it
Wife: Do you love me just because my father left me a fortune?
Husband: Not at all honey, I would love you no matter who left you the money.
As far as I’m concerned, anyone who suggests I should have a third child is committing a hate crime.
me: wHaT iS It DocToR
dr: you have a disease that makes you mock people
me: oH No Is iT CoNTaGiOuS
dr: oH No Is iT CoNTaGiOuS
[screaming into the void]
MARCO
Stop putting words in my mouth. That’s were I keep my feet.
I don’t lock my car doors, so if someone wants to steal my egg mcmuffin wrappers, Sonic happy hour cups and 47 cents, they’re welcome to it.
shaking my gf awake from a nap to tell her it’s kermit the frog’s birthday
My parents haven’t called with a computer problem in 48 hours. I’m sending my brother over there to check on them.
I drain the spaghetti in the colander and every single piece slides perfectly through the holes
Real jealous of all the bears getting fat and preparing to sleep for months