[to serial killer]
WAIT! If you kill me, you’ll never know how my erotic vampire fan fiction turns out!
*killing intensifies*
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If IKEA and LEGO combined forces our children could make our furniture.
Witness protection program or abducted by aliens? I wanna get this breakup text just right
Kevins first time outside 😭 he was absolutely bewildered
I only drink Smart Water now.
I think it’s really helping my…
my head thinking thingie.
I have a joke about trickle down economics.
99% of you won’t ever get it.
“It’s the hap, happiest seeason of—” yeah go tell it on the mountain, Denise, I’m gift wrapping a basketball over here
Person drinking Smart Water: It’s like I’m being smart about what I put in my body.
Me, mouth full of Smartees: We’re so much alike.
Boomerangs can be quite dangerous if you’ve got alzheimers.
new shirt idea
Shower sex be like:
I feel attacked.
Cyanide smells like almonds, so I keep a bottle of almond extract on me at all times to keep people on their toes.
Winnie the Pooh: will u marry me?
Piglet: for the last time, u don’t get a literal “honey” moon
Pooh: pls say yes I need to see for myself
Do you smoke after sex?
Person looks down…”I don’t know, I never checked.”
Hmmmmm
[texting friend]
me: my wife and I had an argument and she just started texting her mom, is that bad
friend: oh man
me: now she’s texting my mom
friend: OH MAN
[Approaches table]
Me: Can I buy you a drink?
Him: This is an AA meeting.
Me: Oh, I’m sorry. Can I buy you some drugs?
If Spider Man eats too much fruit he squirts Silly String.
If I chase you, it’s most definitely with a chainsaw.
You: Wow, check out that cool dog
Your friend who is also an algorithm: Do you want to buy a dog? View the top ten reasons dogs are better than cats. What is the nicest dog to get? See what veterinarians say. Dog breeders in your area
Scientist: The average person spends 6.9 hours a week on Twitter.
Me: You mean a day?
Scientist: What?
Me: What?
EARTH: with your vast wealth you could stop poverty 90 times over
ELON MUSK: [daydreaming] I’m going to put ice cream trucks on the moon
I now know I drink too much. I walked out on my deck and swear I heard a mosquito yell out to his all his friends that the bar just opened.
From a shark’s perspective, Jaws is a lot like Home Alone.
Me: I have 7 things to tell you about your house. Number 4 may shock you.
Customer: You are the worst electrician ever.
Nature abhors a vacuum
My dog: frfr
I’m taking myself to the movies this afternoon. I’ll probably hold my own hand and flirt with myself too.
“No please, let me buy the m&m’s. You’re so thin.”
If someone says they’re a lover not a fighter it’s completely legal to punch them to see if it’s true.
Fun Fact:
A burrito will never sleep with your best friend behind your back.
[Married Pillow Talk]
Husband: Tell me what you want..
Me: I want you to take our kid to soccer practice tomorrow.