Friend: just be yourself.
Me: Be myself? Be myself?!
Some of the most successful people I know aren’t myself. That’s horrible advice
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I once dated a woman named Kim who hated to be called Kimberly. Then I dated a woman named Chelsea who really hated to be called Kimberly
One day, someone will call me sir without adding “I think we’re going to have to ask you to leave.”
A cubical is a great place to reflect on all the bad decisions you’ve made in your life
Women are like snowflakes: they can’t drive
At a restaurant I thought a family was praying at the table but then I realized they were all texting.
Guy: I don’t deserve you.
Girl: Awwwww…you’re so sweet…
Guy: I don’t mean that in a good way.
WHAT DO WE WANT?!
WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
OH HELL YEAH THAT’S THE STUFF
Interviewer: how competitive are you?
Me: not very
Interviewer: neither am I
Me: nice…but I’m less competitive
The year 2035.
Razors now have 47 blades.
Deodorants offer 186 hour protection.
Tins of corned beef still have to be opened with that stupid little metal key.