@KokonutRum: sorry the church is on fire, did i mentioned i studied abroad
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@SureYouDo1: For your anniversary, if your wife asks for something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in 3 seconds...don't get her a bathroom scale. Nope.
@natfos: HR at my work just called me and i thought i was in trouble for something but they just let me know my 11-year-old sister has been commenting on their instagram every day telling them to give me a raise
@SirEviscerate: "What the hell happened to you?" I got tarred by an angry mob. "What about the feathers?" I hugged some ducks to feel better after.