@KokonutRum

sorry the church is on fire, did i mentioned i studied abroad

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@LeBearGirdle

Friend: just be yourself.

Me: Be myself? Be myself?!

Some of the most successful people I know aren’t myself. That’s horrible advice

@MisterBombay

I once dated a woman named Kim who hated to be called Kimberly. Then I dated a woman named Chelsea who really hated to be called Kimberly

@charliedelta7

One day, someone will call me sir without adding “I think we’re going to have to ask you to leave.”

@Book_Krazy

A cubical is a great place to reflect on all the bad decisions you’ve made in your life

@curlycomedy

At a restaurant I thought a family was praying at the table but then I realized they were all texting.

@mimicz

Guy: I don’t deserve you.
Girl: Awwwww…you’re so sweet…
Guy: I don’t mean that in a good way.

@Home_Halfway

WHAT DO WE WANT?!
Follow-up questions!

WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
OH HELL YEAH THAT’S THE STUFF

@DaddyJew

Interviewer: how competitive are you?

Me: not very

Interviewer: neither am I

Me: nice…but I’m less competitive

@Pandamoanimum

The year 2035.

Razors now have 47 blades.

Deodorants offer 186 hour protection.

Tins of corned beef still have to be opened with that stupid little metal key.