Sorry, the dog stood on my keyboard and liked that Instagram photo of you from 47 weeks ago.
You Might Also Like
Me: Ah, the elusive white penny
Cashier: That’s a button
One time I exaggerated so hard that I died.
Preparing for Back to School season by getting my 5th grader a new wardrobe, new backpack, and helping him invent a Canadian girlfriend
step 6: release the wall snake
Yesterday there was a sign in our building lobby saying that a possum was living in our trash cans. This morning the sign was gone.
Best case scenario: The possum relocated overnight.
Worst case scenario: The possum took down the sign itself
Marriage is like being on a reality TV show with both spouses thinking they will be the sympathetic character the audience identifies with.
Welcome to middle age. No one tells you that rigor mortis starts while you’re still alive.
Look, if I offer you a bite of my calamari, you’re bound to offer me a bite of your food. Legally, it’s known as Squid Pro Quo.
Thank God for that one person who gets on the elevator and takes charge.
When the intruder towards Virat Kohli at Eden Gardens – VK couldn’t control his laugh seeing policeman’s reaction 😂
Flex on your relatives by answering their phone call.
Not to brag…
… but practically all of my arrest warrants are considered ‘outstanding’.
me: ted is coming over tonight
wife: i always feel ostricized when ted is over
me: hun, *i take her hand* you are nothing like a giant bird
[consoling a friend after a failure] It’s okay, you can’t get it right every time. I mean, maybe some people can, but definitely not you.
Instead of premarital counseling, engaged couples should be required to do a premarital home renovation project.
The chemical symbol for Seahorse is H₂Orse.
ME: [building a robot] We’re going to be best friends!
ROBOT: [flies out of window]
ME: Why did I add a propeller
“Nevertheless”
~ Me, when choosing a piece of cake or pie
I used to think the cat was dumb for staring out the window, waiting for birds, but I’d probably stare too, if occasionally a pizza flew by.
I’ve written a musical called Fish.
It’s very similar to Cats… although Memory’s a lot shorter.
*takes all the free samples from the deli counter*
~ adds Freelance Cheese Taster to my resumé
[on a first date]
Her: …
Me: …EMT: So, whose idea was it to go ice skating?
I would have got the Google Glass but I don’t have $1500 or any desire to strap the internet to my face.
[unleashes dog at dog park]
me: don’t embarrass me now
dog: i won’t*sees pretty girl*
me: hi, i’m–
dog: he drinks wine through a straw
when someone compliments me
him: I’m gonna kill you
me: oh no
him: with kindness
me: awww
him: kindness is my pet wolf
me: oh no again
HER: [being led out in cuffs]
HIM: “Why is she being arrested?”
COP: “Fraud.”
HIM: “I don’t understand.”
COP: “She was faking it, sir.”
HER: “I’m so sorry, Stan.”
The cashier seemed to appreciate that I bagged my own groceries until I unpacked them all and said, “That’s how I want you to do it.”
Being in your 30s is kinda like do I have Covid or is this just the way my body feels now
rom-com idea: Gozilla +1. Godzilla gets invited to a wedding but struggles to convince anyone to go with him