Sorry, the dog stood on my keyboard and liked that Instagram photo of you from 47 weeks ago.
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Magic words that make my children disappear:
3) Bath time
2) Who did this?!
1) When I was your age…
Had to try this trend 😊
(Guy saves family from burning house)
Dad: You’re a hero.
Guy: Anyone could’ve done it.
Mom: You’re so humble.
Guy: Yes, I’m Super Modest.
Mehh
~Goat, sighing..
Wanted:
1 Psychic.You know who you are.
Would u watch a movie about a teenage boy who screams “I wish I was dead,” but God hears “Deb,” so he turns into his 50-yr old neighbor Deb?
God: you hate the moon.
Wolf: why?
God: he stole your girlfriend.
Wolf: I have a girlfriend?
God: not anymore.
Wolf: because the moon-
God: -stole her yes.
Wolf: I hate the moon.
God: I know.
Wolf: I just miss her so much.
God: let it out.
Wolf: [takes a deep breath]
Aight bet
My greatest joy in life is when a friend reads a book I recommend.
My greatest frustration in life is when they don’t read it fast enough
The goldfish was a little sick so I dripped some steroids in her bowl and now everything is hunky dory.
I was an aspiring ninja until the ankle cracks made it impossible.
Just ONCE, I’d like took deep into your beautiful eyes, and make hot sweet love with you without some pop-up window ruining the mood.
We will always be important enough to fit into someone’s motive. However, that is not the kind of importance we want to carry around
Six degrees of separation but it’s me trying to get a discount through a friend of a friend of a friend.
haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come these firefighters are rescuing me from the top of this tree?
Her: So, are you seeing anyone?
Me: You mean like a therapist or hallucinations?
Plot twist: a Mission Impossible movie where the mission is in fact impossible
Nephew: omg look at how thick your ipad is.
Me: That’s a book.
Signed up to be a diplomat. Won’t need a vaccine cause I’ll have that sweet, sweet immunity
oh my godddd my cat just asked for food while I was making creme brûlée lmao what an idiot read the room Steven
Wife: *spreads picnic beneath large oak tree*
Me: No good
Wife: Why not?
Me: Seems shady
Wife: *attacks me with plastic cutlery*
Explaining Jewish things to non-Jewish people makes you sound like you’re losing your mind. My little brother is getting married soon & had his “aufruf” & I repeated the word six times before being asked by my friend if I was barking at them.
‘Please, I need this’, I whisper as I try to steal a baby goat from the petting zoo.
Friend: I don’t have sex until the third date
Me: ok brag that you get to the third date
my therapist challenged me to get out of my comfort zone so i stopped watching tv in the living room and switched to the basement
The me who had a cocktail and then signed up to bake 200 holiday cookies, chaperone the field trip, and decorate the classroom door, and the me who has to actually do all that this week are two very different people.
At a skatepark, older dude outside the fence sees me and yells (heckles) “do a kickflip!”
So I did one.
He then turns to his friend and says: “holy sh!t, he actually did it”
When I am really mad, I pronounce your name as frenchly as possible.
me: how can I impress my date
friend: take her to your favorite food place
me: ok
[later]
her: that’s was really nicemy mom: you’re welcome
Imagine of clown was just a way of life and not a job. You go to a restaurant and there’s a clown waiter. You get sick and there’s a clown surgeon.