Sorry, Tim. The Zoom meeting gods demand a sacrifice and you have the most annoying voice in the department.
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*Tim Burton slams hands on table*
WTF DO U MEAN THERE ARE OTHER ACTORS BESIDES JOHNNY DEPP & MY WIFE
*turns to Depp*
HOW LONG HAVE U KNOWN
Earth Day…
…another made up holiday by Big Galaxy just to sell more planets!
If somebody stops to ask me directions, I give them directions to my house. see you in twenty minutes new best friend.
So, I went to look into this Eat Clean Bro thing, I accidentally put in Eat Bro Clean and well, that is a different kind of diet.
Taking yesterday’s bad mood on a multi-day tour
God *creates dinosaurs* these are perfect
Dinosaur: Are you dino-sure hahaha
God *creates asteroids*
There are few situations in life which have to be resolved with violence for example-
Mosquito on your ex’s cheek.
Operator: what’s your emergency
Me: my fridge fell on me
Operator: is anything broken
Me: some eggs maybe
when my nephew says the bad word i taught him:
What’s a retweet called now?
I vote Xerox.
No one:
My kid at 6am: if we plant a sausage maybe we can grow a sausage tree
If you love something, let it go. But if you love two things, space them out. For example, let a koala go at least three days before a lion.
robbers: [leaving with my tv]
me: WAIT
robbers:
me: can you close the door
To take revenge, I’LL EAT CHINESE.
To celebrate Boxing Day on Friday, I had a five minute training montage and beat the shit out of the biggest Russian I could find …
I’ve been married for seven years and when we visit my mother-in-law she still types her wifi password in for me rather than share it.
ME: Happy Valentine’s Day! Enjoy these chocolates.
HER: Ugh, these are all coconut. Did you get me anything else?
ME: *awkwardly hands her a bouquet of coconuts*
Phone: Unlock using Face ID.
Me: [looks at phone]
Phone: Ugh.
I’ve never been more afraid of my wife than the time I ate a potato off of her plate.
Netflix needs an “unwatch” button so you can watch the newest episode without getting caught
Lost fighter jets are always in the last place you look.
Surprise parties for Lindsey Lohan probably have that “Intervention-y” feeling at first.
I didn’t want to use the word “Orwellian” in a tweet until I was confident that I could use it properly, so here goes: Orwellian would be a cool name for a horse.
they should make living room pits with couches in them again. you’re walking. not paying attention. you fall. now you’re chilling. no embarrassment just leisure.
[Lois & Superman’s first date]
Superman: You look beautiful, Loren.
Lois: What? Who’s Loren?!
*Superman flies around the earth and reverses time*
Superman: You look beautiful, Lois.
Friendly but loud reminder to NOT FEED STALE DUCKS TO BREAD k
Kidnapper: [on phone] we have your son.
Wife: actually I’m holding my son.
Kidnapper: [getting frustrated] then who the heck just asked for chocolate milk with a straw and made us cut the crust off his PB&J?
Wife: oh god.
Kidnapper: what?
Wife. you have my husband.
Every person over 50, every Autumn: It sure is a pretty Fall this year, although not as pretty as last year.
My reality check bounced, guess I’ll have to stay insane for the time being
4-year-old: How many push-ups can you do?
Me: A million.
4: Then why did your arms shake on the first one?
Me: Must’ve been an earthquake