Sorry to all the people my 3yo has yelled at for eating ice cream in a car.
Telling him it was illegal was wrong. I know this now.
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What if Waldo isn’t actually hiding, and he’s just photo bombing all of those pictures?
He asked what my favorite position was… I said CEO
Very, very few humans have walked on the lunar surface. You might say that they’re in the moonority.
[Frankenstein Castle]
MAMA: You need to make more friends
VICTOR: Fine…
{later}
MAMA: I should have been more specific
Remember in Mario Kart when you thought you were in first place? Then realized you were looking at the wrong screen and crashing into walls and shit..
That’s adulthood….
My husband giving me instructions as he prepares to leave town: “Don’t put the dogs in their crates today. Let them sleep on the couch.”
Me: “Why?”
Him: “That’s how they know it’s the weekend.”
Me: lets go on a date
Her: umm
Me: what could go wrong
*25 minutes later we are being chased by a pack of raccoons*
Me: Don’t fall in love with me doll face. I’m no good for you; I’m bad news.
Her: No problem. Here’s your change. Pull up to the next window.
[first date]
I’m sorry, I fiddle when I get nervous
“That’s okay”
Yeah….
*jams out epic fiddle solo for the rest of the date*
Dear car commercials,
You probably don’t mean to scare me but “German engineering” is also why I don’t have so many cousins today.
Me: Well, this calls for a celebration *cracks open beer*
Wife: …you took out the trash
I prefer the term “quirky”, it sounds less diagnosable.
I’m amazed by people who lose weight w exercise. When I exercise nothing happens bc my DNA still thinks I’m a European peasant. So it’s like “Oh! Are we running from the English again, lass? Dinnae ye worry: we’ll keep ye plump as a partridge to outlast the murderous bastards!”
Me: *my toddler might eat this healthy food if he can dip it in ketchup*
Toddler: *eats the ketchup by itself*
It’s like my Uncle said, no body, no crime
Coworker: I only asked how your weekend was…
After dinner the other husbands and I retire to the garage and silently take turns climbing my new ladder.
*claims pandemic weight as a new dependent on my taxes*
waiter: how was your roast duck sir
me: fine, i’ll take the bill now
waiter: sorry sir but we don’t serve that part
me: no no, i need to pay
waiter: your hair looks fine to me sir
Don’t bother using those white packets of seasoning inside new shoes, they taste terrible.
Why are charming men called lady killers and not Lassassins?
fall is almost here time to pull out the flannel condoms
instead of eating lunch I just ate a bunch of olives so ….. yet again …..
On a recent tour of my son’s college, the guide walked us up 5 flights of steep stairs because she didn’t think the 4 of us should share an elevator. I’m pretty sure the extreme shortness of breath my husband and I had, at the top, confirmed her concern for protecting our heath.
The place where you pour in the gas is the car’s gasshole.
Maybe the environment should adapt to accommodate our negligence did it ever think about that
SURGEON (who is an octopus): scalpel
NURSE: [sweating trying to figure out what arm to hand it to] yup one second
*walks up to Harvard with an avocado* one law degree please
Bro just recorded the rarest moment in history
Thank God for butter because without butter all butterflies would be just flies and that sounds terrible.
I only eat vegetarians.