Sorry to all the people my 3yo has yelled at for eating ice cream in a car.

Telling him it was illegal was wrong. I know this now.

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“Here you go body some nutritious food, how bout some energy?”

Body: “I shall make this into nose hair”


Him: Is that a horse drawn carriage?

Her: I can’t quite tell

Horse: *sobbing* Well you try holding a pencil with your hooves


My buddy’s PRETTY drunk…

So I took the car key off of his keychain…

He’s been trying to start his car with a house key for 4 hours now


Hey bill collectors, nice try, but I don’t even call back people I know.


Don’t go hunting down relationships or looking for love. Let it find you. Naturally.

You know, like a jogger finding a body on the trails.


“Nice legs”
*Swipes right*
“Nice legs”
*Swipes right*
“Nice legs”
*Swipes right*
“Nice legs”
*Swipes right*

– Spider tinder


*lays head on homeless guys lap*

“You would not believe the day I had”


Therapist: You need to focus on setting healthy boundaries.
*goes home*
*puts broccoli around perimeter of donut box*
*eats 12 donuts*


Restaurant chain commercials should run the disclaimer “Actual food might not tumble and splash in slow motion”.