“Here you go body some nutritious food, how bout some energy?”
Body: “I shall make this into nose hair”
Sorry to all the people my 3yo has yelled at for eating ice cream in a car.
Telling him it was illegal was wrong. I know this now.
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Him: Is that a horse drawn carriage?
Her: I can’t quite tell
Horse: *sobbing* Well you try holding a pencil with your hooves
My buddy’s PRETTY drunk…
So I took the car key off of his keychain…
He’s been trying to start his car with a house key for 4 hours now
Hey bill collectors, nice try, but I don’t even call back people I know.
Don’t go hunting down relationships or looking for love. Let it find you. Naturally.
You know, like a jogger finding a body on the trails.
My kids: what are we having for…
– Spider tinder
*lays head on homeless guys lap*
“You would not believe the day I had”
Therapist: You need to focus on setting healthy boundaries.
*puts broccoli around perimeter of donut box*
*eats 12 donuts*
Restaurant chain commercials should run the disclaimer “Actual food might not tumble and splash in slow motion”.