Sorry to all the people my 3yo has yelled at for eating ice cream in a car.
Telling him it was illegal was wrong. I know this now.
You Might Also Like
I don’t want to intimidate anyone but I did my laundry and took the clothes out of the dryer on the first try.
When I was 8, my best friend & I had a big fight. The next week his family moved away. Dave, if you’re reading this, I still hate your guts.
I cannot afford to get my wife a new Lexus for Christmas so I’ll be tying a red ribbon on a pair of Sketchers and setting them in the driveway.
Me: *gives a detailed explanation of the law based on 20 years of experience as an attorney*
Female client: My husband said the exact opposite of what you told me.
Me: Where did your husband go to law school?
Client: He didn’t.
Me: So you should probably just do what he says.
[Valentine’s Day]
me: *gets divorced*
[24 hours earlier]
me: *purchasing a heart-shaped potato* she’ll love this
‘THINGS WE DIDN’T DO:
•Start the fire
•Shoot the deputyTHINGS WE DID DO:
•Built this city
•Shot the sheriffTHINGS WE WANT TO DO:
•Break free
•Hold your handTHINGS WE WILL DO:
•Rock you
•Survive
•Anything for loveTHINGS WE WON’T DO:
•That’
my mother, staring down at my open casket: is that what you’re wearing
[Snow White sees her doctor]
Snow White: How bad is it, Doctor?
Doc: Damn it I told you I’m a mine worker not a doctor. It’s my name, idiot
friend: you’ve been watching the tv for 8 hours
me: yeah so
friend: maybe u should turn it on
my son needs help with his math project so i did what any good parent would do. i slipped out the back door and started a new life in costa rica
Game of Thrones: Now with 100 percent more zombies! The Walking Dead should fire back by adding kingdoms.
A little poetry never killed anybody. But haiku keeps trying.
Please. My wife. She’s very sick.
A good friend bails you out of jail, a best friend is sitting in the cell right next to you, a worst friend framed both of you for murder.
Son: Dont be a square. Everything is groovy.
Me: What are you doing?
Son: Like totally speaking your language, fer sure!
Me:
Son: Hello fellow olds!
Sex so good you forget you’re married…to each other.
Irony. The opposite of wrinkly.
Thank you. I’ll be here all night.
To everyone who wrote “stay cool” in my middle school year book…I have some devastating news
I don’t understand how people in the Walking Dead are living in the zombie apocalypse and they still look more well rested than I do
If you leave our home after a visit we will stand on the porch and wave until you drive out of sight because that’s how we were raised, by maniacs.
Were PacMan and Ms.PacMan married or brother and sister? Have some fanfic that’s either really awesome or really disturbing riding on this.
Them: We’re concerned about you. We think you’re a Black Widow [offers me cake & coffee]
Me: No thanks. I’m trying not to eat between males
It should be a crime to have sports announcers that sound like a grandpa kermit the frog murmuring through a paper towel tube. YOU’RE RUINING THE GAME PAPA
me: hey can we pick up my mom on the way to church
uber: sure
me: cool I’ll cancel the hearse
[scrolling netflix]
Me: definitely not a movie, that’s too much time
Also me: *watches 5 episodes of Better Call Saul*
I bet every time Beyoncé leaves a restaurant everyone fights over who gets to smell her chair
overheard my 7yo telling a friend he speaks Italian but what the friend doesn’t know is to my son speaking Italian just means shouting “ITSA ME! MARIO!”
A person running around with a laptop chasing an unsecured WiFi signal looks eerily like a cat chasing a laser pointer.