Sorry to burst your bubble, but your waiter doesn’t really think your choice was excellent.
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I always sleep naked. I don’t care if it makes people uncomfortable, they can just switch buses.
I will punch you in the face.
OK not really – but I will roll my eyes at you, hard.
How normal people flirt…”Hey Sexy*
How I flirt …If you were a tree you’d be a great tree
A sadist doctor keeps his stethoscope in a fridge
FRIEND: What’s your type?
ME: In guys or in blood?
*hates you so much replaces everything and everyone you love with a cat*
even if you already have a cat,
*replaces it with a worse cat*
a bathrobe is being naked with plausible deniability and pockets.
*lets out a blood curdling scream* HELP MY BLOOD IS CURDLING
handyman: figured out why your cupboard keeps opening
me: *nodding* ghosts
handyman: …this screw is loose
me: ah.
handyman:
me:
handyman:
me: how would a ghost get a screwdriver?
New COVID variant subscribes you to random podcasts.
Pro debating tip:
Shave one eyebrow and draw a new one really high.
WIFE: What are you doing?
ME: IT’S NOT WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE
WIFE: You’re giving the dog a manicure?
ME: No, technically this is a pedicure.
If you get the Wordle in 5 while a toddler is screaming at you it counts as getting the Wordle in 1.
Ordered a book about trees from my library. It’s on root.
Just turned forty-three. I really thought I’d have a nemesis by now. There’s a duck at the park I don’t like, but that’s about it.
i’m gonna go out on a limb here and say that omg this branch definitely can’t hold my weight and yep i’m going down
me: *wistful* what if you could go back in time and relive a delightful meal with a loved one?
him: is it leftovers again?
me: it’s leftovers again.
Do you know where mansplainers get their water from?
Well, actually…
When I play the kazoo, I play to win
I’d … I’d rather not.
No thanks “protected account”. You can’t trick me into following you!
For all I know, you could be a vegan.
Twitter is like swimming in the ocean. Sometimes, it a beautiful sight. Occasionally, you find others like you. And you have no idea how many times you’ve passed a shark.
Doctor: Any food allergies?
Patient: Sometimes dairy products disagree with me
Carton of milk: That’s not true
“You can eat 50% of a mermaid before you’re considered a cannibal.”
My kid, using homeschool math during social distancing
My son continued to wear his earbuds shopping with me after I told him not to so he didn’t hear me say I was leaving.
Hope he finds a ride home.
Her: I said I’d like to see you BETTER yourself.
Me: Oh. *slowly puts down butter knife*
Haters will say my strike wasn’t valid just because I bowled it with a rotisserie chicken.
If you have three cookies and one is oatmeal raisin, you only have two cookies.
I planned to leave my body to the local medical school for them to train on and practice with, but the students successfully petitioned against it as a gross violation of their human rights.
Have a blessed Friday, may it be filled with…