@LackOfShame

Sorry to burst your bubble, but your waiter doesn’t really think your choice was excellent.

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@c_always_wright

high school was the free trial version of college. “if you wish to continue your education you can buy the complete pack for $50,000”

@delusions_of

Me: “I’d like 3 ice cubes”

Refrigerator Ice Dispenser: “Here have 19”

@JustMeTurtle

Nobody:

Dog: OMG HE LOOKED IN THE GENERAL DIRECTION OF MY LEASH WE’RE GOING FOR A WALK I’M READY C’MON LET’S GO NOW PUT YOUR SHOES ON NOW HERE LET ME HELP I HAVE YOUR SOCK OK LET’S GO WALK!!!

@fro_vo

me folding laundry: ugh another sock is missing
puppet on my hand: how does that keep happening

@karatechopmonk

I tried coke once. And then for like another 3 years to make sure I didn’t like it

@iwearaonesie

toddler *banging his hammer on the coffee table*
me: What are you making?
toddler: Noise

@ClichedOut

ME: Make every guy afraid of me.

GENIE: As you wish.

ME: (a tampon): son of a