Sorry to interrupt your party, but I’m a little drunk and need to do the worm across your living room floor.
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“Mommy, mommy, mommy, mom, mom, mommy, mom, mommy!”
-Mormon kids
You want me to go to the bathroom? The thing that killed Elvis?
Why is it called an everything bagel and not a bagall.
[Giving my eulogy]
GIRLFRIEND: He was beloved for his many funny tweets, such as,
*Scrolling**Scrolling*
*Scrolling*
*Very slight chuckle*
*Scrolling*
Okay I actually don’t see any I like but he talked about it a lot, so I assume he was good.
Designer: How big should the gap between the car’s front seat and center console be?
Boss: Big enough for your phone to fall through.
Designer: And also big enough for your hand to retrieve it?
Boss: haha oh goodness no
“You see those footprints? It looks like our killer had feet.”
– If you want to know why I was fired as a writer on CSI.
You think people who drink the energy drinks would have enough energy to put the cans in the bin rather than on the ground.
There is nothing sexier than when she locks eyes with me as she finishes…
..Frying the bacon
Me: are you or are you not my people?
My sister: I am, but I’m still not driving 3 hours to get you a bagel.
* flirting with disaster
disaster: Gross
Me: I love these lazy Sundays.
Boss: It’s Tuesday. Get off my couch and out of my office. And for Christ’s sake, put some clothes on!
doctor: your wife is not responding
husband: is she mad at you
*Romantically carries pizza over threshold
My husband pays me the highest compliments. Like “WOW! Look at you. You’re dressed.”
I actually enjoy homeschooling my kids. What’s my secret? I’m doing a terrible job.
[Catholic church]
*priest hands out “What To Expect At Your Exorcism”Husband: Babe, this isn’t counseling
Me: You said you’d try anything
Dear whatever doesn’t kill me. I’m strong enough now. Thanks.
[God wakes up] oh man i am hungover, what’d i do last night?
[sees that goats have the ability to scream now] haha oh yea
*gets called abnormal*
*checks for normal abs*
Me: Two fingers here.
Son: OK.
M: One in the other hole.
S: Got it.
M: Relax your wrist.
Wife: WHAT ARE YOU TEACHING HIM?
M: Bowling. Chill.
[at store]
Salesperson: May I help you?
Me: Yes, I need something really nice that my wife can exchange next week
I just typed “relationship” and it came up “delusional” on my phone. First time I realized my phone really is smart.
[Grocery Store]
Wife: Why do we need 12 baskets?
Me: *takes idioms very literally* One for each egg.
The Girl With The Grilled Cheese and Bacon Tattoo
Me: *holding a baby* How do you reboot this thing?
I was fired from my job at the sperm bank for saying “get a load of this guy” every time someone walked in
If Seal was my friend, I would never miss an opportunity to ask him, “Wanna go clubbing?”
Twitter: Just chilling with my cat.
Cat Twitter: My human won’t leave me alone.
If I’m “supposed to” shave my knees then why are they shaped like that ? Exactly
Still a very good boi….