When taking your dog to the vet it’s very important to remember to put your dog in the car.
Sorry to text you so late but can your dog come over?
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Started a karate club for people who don’t know karate we just do moves we see in movies lemme know if you’re interested old ppl are welcome
I received 10 pounds of pot in the mail by mistake. So I did the right thing and called the police to come pick up all 4 pounds.
James Blunt: you’re beautiful
James Blunter: I’ve seen better
Why is there an eject button on the DVD remote? You still have to get up & take the disc out. It’s like having a remote to open the fridge.
I wish I would have listened to my grandma when she told me one day I’d regret not focusing harder on my hitman career.
ME: You’re out of shrimp.
HOST: That was fast. I’ll get more.
BF: Where are your manners?
ME: Under the heap of shrimp in my purse.
In first grade I pretended I could talk to animals because I thought kids would like me, but then a squirrel attacked Lisa Shapiro.
[Swims out to Sea]
*dolphins save me*
*dolphins ask for a tip
*they return me to the shark*
Colleague: Quick, the boss is on her way!
Me: That’s weird I swear that I didn’t hear her broomstick!