Sorry to text you so late but can your dog come over?

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When taking your dog to the vet it’s very important to remember to put your dog in the car.


Started a karate club for people who don’t know karate we just do moves we see in movies lemme know if you’re interested old ppl are welcome


I received 10 pounds of pot in the mail by mistake. So I did the right thing and called the police to come pick up all 4 pounds.


James Blunt: you’re beautiful

James Blunter: I’ve seen better


Why is there an eject button on the DVD remote? You still have to get up & take the disc out. It’s like having a remote to open the fridge.


I wish I would have listened to my grandma when she told me one day I’d regret not focusing harder on my hitman career.


ME: You’re out of shrimp.
HOST: That was fast. I’ll get more.
BF: Where are your manners?
ME: Under the heap of shrimp in my purse.


In first grade I pretended I could talk to animals because I thought kids would like me, but then a squirrel attacked Lisa Shapiro.


[Swims out to Sea]
*sees shark*
*dolphins save me*
Thanks dolphins!
*dolphins ask for a tip
[I’m broke]
*they return me to the shark*


Colleague: Quick, the boss is on her way!
Me: That’s weird I swear that I didn’t hear her broomstick!