@Dawn_M_: Sorry to text you so late but can your dog come over?
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@smithsara79: The fastest land animal is me when I'm upstairs and hear my dog about to throw up in the living room
@ArfMeasures: [during a huddle in a crucial ice hockey match] ME: Ok listen up guys [all the other players look at me] ME: Is....is anyone else cold?
@DistractedMomma: I often agree to let my kids sleep over at other people's houses, just to remind parents that there are kids who are way worse than theirs.
@patnspankme: CW: What’s your middle name? Me: It’s Mike. CW: Oh. Well, what is your first name? Me: I don’t have one.