Sorry to text you so late but can your dog come over?
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whenever i see a baby, i take its candy. i need the win more than the baby does.
“you smell good” yeah bro i’ve had a nose my whole life
[strangers in goat masks dance around a bonfire as I’m being tied to a wooden stake] It’s getting pretty late guys, I should probably head out
ME: you told me to put my hands where you can see them
COP: yes but please don’t cup my face
“Enjoying your day off?” – what Jewish people say to each other on Christmas.
#WorstWaysToStartALoveLetter
What started as a simple prostate exam, has blossomed into something special…
*pulling shredded cheese out of the bag one by one* they fw me they fw me not
Me: How’s it look?
Doc: You have 2 months to live
M: WHAT?? You’re my dentist!
D: Then you don’t need to come back for a cleaning in 6 mos
writing an email takes 5 hours. 4 hours and 55 minutes to avoid and stress and obsess about it and 5 minutes to write it
How much more of this can I take?
* piles food on buffet plate *
Me: More fur & these cute little whisk-
Police Sketch artist: you’re describing a cat
Me: please his birthday is today & he loves portraits
Showed my mom a pic of a guy I thought was hot and she said he looked just like my dad when he was young and now Christmas is ruined
[During a baby shower]
Me: Ooh I caught one
Wife: Put it down we can’t afford another
Pro tip: Instead of having kids, just adopt a couple raccoons. They’ll trash your house too, but at least they can feed themselves.
My stepmother asking me exactly how many chicken nuggets to make for my kids like lady it could be 15 or 0 do I look like some kind of psychic
Well son, in the ’90s, there was no drooling emoji. You had to show up at a girl’s door and actually drool.
“I do so like green eggs and ham. Thank you! Thank you, Salmonella-I-am.”
– The breakfast that inspired Dr Seuss
What do we want?
A CURE FOR PARANOIA
When do we want it?
WHO WANTS TO KNOW
Screw your Twitter Crushes and Twitter Husbands and Twitter Nemeses. I want a Twitter Penguin. I want a pet penguin, but only on Twitter.
I’m a man of conviction, but no jail time.
Last night, I spent 15 minutes at a party waiting for a man to move closer to a woman he was hitting on so I could reach behind him for Fritos
No, they’re not called hedge funds because hedgehogs control the global economy. What a silly idea. 🙂
*later to thugs* They know too much.
I’m really happy being single
Unfortunately my husband doesn’t agree!
My 6yo announced, “All I want is a mansion and a yacht. That’s not much. Just two things.”
JUST. TWO. THINGS.
My ex-husband’s mother invited me to lunch for my birthday and tbh, I’d rather be torn apart by wolverines and thrown into a vat of acid so naturally, I told her I’d check my schedule.
[man walks into a bar]
Horse bartender: Why the short face? SEE? SEE? IT’S NOT COOL!
COWARDLY LION: Give me courage
SCARECROW: Give me a brain
ROB THOMAS: Gimme a heart, make it real or else forget about it
TIN MAN: Oh ok Rob
Two Ways Sharks Can Die:
1. if they stop swimming
2. if they start swimming (into my fists)
I needed this today. He takes a break. Lol
i asked myself if i was crazy and we all said no stop playin w me