Sorry to the guy in the car having to witness me checking for boogers in his tinted windows.
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Felt like my car was going to blow over from this wind today. I feel bad for the smart cars that are probably stuck in trees.
It’s not a coincidence that we use the term “committed” to refer to both relationships and a stay at a mental institution
[3am]
My demon: [dragging me down rabbit hole with me kicking and screaming]
Also my demon: there will be cookies
Me: say no more!
I want to be a Walmart greeter just so I can tell customers who come in “everyone enters, but not everyone leaves”
My friend is a meteorologist so when he wants to hang out I tell him there’s a 100% chance I’ll be there and then I don’t show up.
BUILDING INSPECTOR: This building is not structurally sound
ARCHITECT: why
BUILDING INSPECTOR: Well first of all it’s made of paper
ARCHITECT: Yeah construction paper!
(meeting somebody for the first time and panicking)
I asked the husband to take me shopping and he said “Take yourself.”
I can’t wait for him to ask for sex.
“Lost Unicorn…if found please stop doing drugs.”
I put on a blue vest and just walked out of Lowe’s with 18 toilet plungers
“Hey, look, is that Dad?”
“Either that or Batman’s really let himself go.”
The ocean is full of sharks, jellyfish, man-eating octopus, and nightmare whales, but make sure you wait a half-hour after eating to go in.
[first guy to discover magic mushrooms]
those…those were not portobellos
WOMAN: [disgusted] some people shouldn’t have children
ME: [gently placing my son in her shopping cart] thank you
[job interview]
“So what would you say is your biggest weakness?”
“I’m pretty bad at reading situations.” *tries to kiss interviewer*
Wife must be planning to paint the house. I found plastic & tape under our bed. Not sure what the shovel & pistol are for.
Sarah Ross, on Facebook, handed out full-size candy bars. She also put a potato in the bowl. 🥔
When people’s driving tweets end mid sentence, did the paramedics find their phone and hit send?
A costumer just said to me that my daughter and I look like twins. And I was like, “Well, we were separated at birth.”
Balloons are all fun and games til they start to deflate and float around at eye level being terrifying
Jesus: *picks up bread* this is my body
Jesus: *picks up wine* this is my blood
Jesus: *picks up eggplant* i think we allll know what this is lol yea
HIM: I’m not crying, you’re crying
ME: we’re all crying, this is a funeral
Once I tried to rescue this kitten stuck in a tree only it wasn’t a kitten it was an owl and he was, like…he was fine there.
“who hurt you” myself bro, I make horrible decisions
My son just told me he wasn’t a huge chicken fan and I told him I too prefer normal sized chickens and then my wife called the cops.
still not “these beanie babies are going to be worth so much later on” rich and it hurts.
“Only God can judge me”
People who’ve never been to
Whole Foods.
Sorry I dressed up like Captain Caveman when you asked me if I wanted to go clubbing.
Why are Diva Cups only for women why can’t I win one.
men only want 1 thing. women only want 7 things. babies only want 53 things. dogs only want 633 things. flamingos refuse to divulge how many things they want