Sorry to the guy in the car having to witness me checking for boogers in his tinted windows.
You Might Also Like
my boyfriend invited the neighbors over for dinner “sometime,” so now we have to move.
Teacher: welcome to health class
Me: my friend said you can get a girl pregnant by kissing her?
Teacher: sir please just mop the floor
Sometimes I break into hives. But only because I hate bees.
Yelling at me for warming towels in the oven is not going to get the fire department here any faster.
A gun is like a coupon that works anywhere
I have two dogs, one dominates, the other is a subwoofer.
My 6 yr old just asked if I’m a happy wife.. her cover is blown I think she might be working for the other side
The trick to successfully backing out of a parking space is to not care what happens to you or anyone else.
Me: Hello?
Satan: I’d like to make a return
Me: ALL SALES ARE FINAL
They say the camera adds 10 lbs.
Looks like fast food added the other 40.
I always say “Beep beep! Tough guy alert!” when I see a guy in a Tap Out shirt so he knows I know he’s a tough guy.
The first rule of Nun Club is “no dirty habits.”
[someone kicks a dumpster out of anger]
ME (from inside): Who is it?
Ex-Girlfriend: I heard you & your new girlfriend are having problems… Well, you’ve always got my number.
Me: Yes, is it still 666?
“Are you going to be part of the problem or part of the solu— ”
Me: Oh problem, definitely
“That wasn’t… it was a rhetorica— ”
Me: I have some ideas on how to make the problem even funnier than it is
(credit Morgz, account missing)
Hey, remember that person you thought you couldn’t live without? Well look at you, living and shit.
Surprise sex is by far the best thing to wake up to! …Unless you’re in prison.
Do you think, in a pinch, Jim Henson ever used Kermit as an oven mitt?
Beware of fowl play.
Went to a public park and my 4yo was like, “Is this Disney World?!”
The answer is yes and I’ll cut anyone who tells her differently.
Last Christmas I gave you my heart but the very next day, you gave it away.
This year….you’re getting fruitcake.
Sorry I told you we should definitely hang out sometime and then didn’t answer my phone for 5 years
Got my son to paint our fence by telling him it was his first karate class.
Let’s have a race. You try to get an appointment with a licensed mental health professional and I’ll try to get a gun. Ready? I’m done.
ME: my greatest strength is giving people clever nicknames.
QUESTION ASKER MAN: and how is this a skill that will help you here?
Apparently changing the locks isn’t funny to my husband or my kids…but I gave my dog a new key.
My husband asked me to put him to sleep with a happy ending…
*reads a book “and they lived happily ever after”
Mmmm yeah, you like that?
me: [lays trail of petals directly to the bed] she’ll love this
midwife: she won’t
Teens will open a kitchen cabinet and act shocked that there are no bowls, like they don’t know that every bowl you own is in their room.
when i was in school i was doing my french speaking exam and i started crying cause i literally couldn’t do it and my french teacher said ‘it’s okay you’re not the worst, the girl before you answered the questions in english with a french accent’ and i could not breathe omg