Sorry waiter for pushing you over when you asked me to tip you
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I don’t know what the big whoop is if I run out of masks and have to put a paper bag over my head, but the police officer who pulled me over sure seemed pissed about it.
Harry Potter accidentally hits ‘reply owl’
The girl at Starbucks wrote my name as “Meghen” like I lay eggs or some shit.
I just wish my ex-wife could look down from Heaven and see me
now.But no, she’s still alive.
My husband took the kids to brunch so I’m gonna get wild and drink my coffee while it’s still hot.
peasant 1: okay. So. tithes. blighted or knighted bro?
peasant 2: blighted bro be fr.
peasant 1: right right. next one. Fair maidens?
peasant 2: kniiiiiighted bro hahahaha
peasant 1: yesss bro hahaha
uber driver picked me up “dodger stadium? you goin to the game?” i was like “nah” and we both sat there in silence for the whole ride, both knowing i had lied
[reeling in big fish and turns to friend]
you got the net?
“yes”
ok, google how to get this thing in the boat
Her: Hey, I was just thinking about you.
Me: Isn’t it fun?
[takes a massive shit on a bird in the park]
See? Not nice, is it?
Establish dominance over old people by yelling BINGO when you don’t really have it
I don’t want to marry Bill Gates because he’s rich.
I want to marry Bill Gates so I never have to fix my own computer.
People who ask themselves what Jesus would do seem to forget just how badly things worked out for him.
So Nickelback is playing a flood relief concert for Alberta. Like those folks haven’t suffered enough.
Her, 6: I have a secret
Me: What is it?
Her: I’m not gonna tell you… but it’s about a marker
Me: Oh no
Her: yeeeah
[crime scene]
BATMAN: Who the hell are you?
MANBAT: Who the hell are YOU?
BATMAN: I’m Batman. A man who dresses like a bat.
MANBAT: I’m Manbat. A bat who dresses like a man.
[BATBAT arrives]
BATBAT: Who the hell are you two?
me *swallowing pride*
baby lion: holy shit
“I’m just gonna pull on weird animal parts until something comes out that I can drink”
-guy who discovered milk
[boiling pot]
dad lobster: why’s the heat on with the lid off
Me: Hope it’s ok if I sleep in the nude
Guy next to me on the plane: WTF dude?
Me: Man, I’m exhausted! I’m going to get a good night’s sleep tonight.
Toddler: hold my sippy cup
Before I had kids I was going to be an awesome mom.
Nicholas Cage is the same character in every movie he makes, except Face off where he was John Travolta.
Wish my date had canceled before I shaved my legs. Well if anyone wants to go out tonight I am more aerodynamic than usual
Wife: You’re so predictable
Me: Yeah? I bet u didn’t see this coming
*I go to throw water on her but shes already wearing a poncho*
Me: Damn
If you’re expecting your first baby, skip the self-help books and practice not feeling triggered by “watch this” “why” and “one more”
Me: Don’t do anything special for my birthday.
*People do special things for my birthday*
Me: Oh thank God.
Life is different in Christian frats:
“You should’ve seen this hot chick I didn’t bang.”
“Way to save it for marriage, bro.”
*fist bump*
Don’t quote me on this, but I’m pretty sure the guy who invented ice fishing must’ve REALLY hated his wife.