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@BruceForce: Sorry waiter for pushing you over when you asked me to tip you
@badAzz_mom: You're not allowed to say "long story short" after talking for 30 minutes.
@CodyJP9412: LAWYER: Would you like to press charges?
CHARGES: Please don't touch me.
@eddiesteadyno: Me: I think you might have schizophrenia
Me: No I don't
@InternetHippo: [fingers tented under chin]
What can I tweet that won't make people yell at me
[brick flies through my window]