“Sorry, we’re clothed” – Manager at a Nudist resort
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sex work?? sure does. there’s over 7 billion of us.
Forgot about the 12-20 months stage of having a baby where your house is just littered with random objects they picked up, carried around, and dropped for no reason like you live inside a claw machine.
Bought myself an Xbox so when one of the kids asks me for something I can tell them I’ll do it after this level.
I hope people think my toddler has a slight English accent bc we’re so cultured and not bc she’s basically been raised by Peppa Pig
[watching him pack his bag to leave]
Me: So this is it, we’re done and you’re leaving me?
Plumber: Uh yes the toilet is unclogged now.
My wife always nags me and it’s annoying. “Stop chewing so loudly”, “Why don’t you replace the toilet paper roll?”, “Wake up hurry, my water broke!”
I watch medical dramas that are about 5% medicine and 95% drama and I call it studying
Told my boss I would be turning in my badge and my gun. He said you work in IT, why do you have a gun.
I went deep sea fishing once and caught what I thought was a marlin, but was actually a catfish with a party hat glued to its face.
Mom: Do you have any idea how painful it was to carry you in my womb for 9 months?
Me: If the last time I hurt you was 37 years ago, I’d say you’re winning in this relationship.
7: dad can you help me with this math problem
me: sure
me: [sees it] nope.
The math problem:
Omg, do you mind? I’m busy. This dinner isn’t going to peel back plastic, stir and add 3 minutes to itself.
Just so you know, you will be asked to leave the funeral if you do a drum solo on the coffin…no matter how epic it is
I wanted to do a random act of kindness, so I took a parking ticket off a car and threw it in the garbage. Boom ticket gone.
[At Wedding]
Priest: And do you take me as your lawfully wedded wife?
Me: I do. WAIT A SECOND
Priest: TOO LATE. YOU’RE MINE NOW, IDIOT.
Assorted bandaid box-
3 in a size you need
12 you can make work
35 round to weigh box down
[hot air balloon ride]
DAD: *kicks basket* how many miles you get in this thing?
I’m not smart enough to have this many people dumber than me.
“how did people keep up with TV before the internet?” my young friend, we didn’t need phones. if you missed an episode, there would be one person in every classroom the next morning re-enacting the plot like a town crier.
5yo: We should get her two gifts
Me: One gift for your friends birthday is fine.
5yo: Okay, okay, okay, we will just get her two then.
Kid: There’s a monster living in my closet
Monster: do you have any idea how expensive a studio apartment is in this neighborhood
To their credit, selfie sticks may be the only proof future archaeologists have to dispute the notion cameras grew directly out of our arms
Astrogeologists: do telescope/remote sensing on distant objects.
Astrologists: use horoscope/do not remotely make sense/object when dissed.
its prettey gutsy that u call urself a salad, potato salad
Every time “Cops” comes on I’m like “PLEASE don’t show my episode.”
writers really said: what if homework… was a career.
“It’s not my fault I keep losing my gloves.”
– a kid whose fault it most definitely is-
me: I put a siren on your car
cop: what’s that soun–
*an ancient greek ship bursts through the wall*