Sorry Windows. The only thing a “strong” password will do is lock me out of my own computer when drunk. 1234 it is.
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[ER]
HIPSTER: I fell off my acoustic motorcycle & broke my mustache twirler.
DOC:…
H: I fell off my bike & broke my hand.
D: Rub kale on it.
You don’t realize how much you miss your privacy until you have a toddler hugging you the entire time you pee.
Blizzard after 3 years of Overwatch lore development
COWARDLY LION: Give me courage
SCARECROW: Give me a brain
ROB THOMAS: Gimme a heart, make it real or else forget about it
TIN MAN: Oh ok Rob
The baby spit up on my Xbox so I had to get rid of it…
I’m gonna miss that baby…
Me: Twitter isn’t as enjoyable anymore. So frustrating
Therapist: Why don’t you stop using it
Me: Then I’d have to come here every day and tell you my tweets
Therapist: absolutely not
[ first day of engineer school ]
teacher: and what don’t we call them
me: choo choos
teacher: [nodding] choo choos
roses are red, violets are blue
*arnold schwarzenegger voice*
tell me who is your daddy
and what does he do
Apple CEO announces he’s gay. Samsung CEO announces he’s more gay and water resistant.
Friend: excited for your date?
Me: no I just found out what we do at the end
Friend: kiss?
Me: *thinking about tipping* math
You don’t need to use your words if you’re carrying a machete. People just seem to figure it out.
date: I like men who aren’t afraid to take risks
me: [to waiter] horse please
WIFE: Can I get your wallet from your back pocket?
ME: [current world hula champion] You can try
This ebola scare is getting out of hand I just threw ebola at someone who said good morning to me before I had my coffee
You guys Gorilla Glue is not hair care it is lip balm. Spread the word
Truthfully officer, I wouldn’t have pulled over, if I known all you were gonna do is complain about my driving..
Flex on houseplants by drinking water whenever you want
No disrespect to the Jurassic World franchise, but the scariest dinosaur is purple and claims he loves me and is part of my family.
I was just casually stalking an ex-girlfriend on IG & accidentally liked a picture. please respect my privacy in this difficult time.
Sometimes, I just want to be taken seriously. And sometimes, I just want to be taken, seriously.
Met a girl last night and went back to her place. I noticed in her wardrobe that she has a nurses outfit, maids outfit and a policewomans outfit, so I made my excuses and left.
If she can’t hold a job down she isn’t the girl for me.
Billion dollar idea: Tea bags that are actually wine bags. Slogan: You already act like you’re God, now turn water into wine like Jesus!
I hate when girls say “You probably say that to 100 girls.” Don’t you use the same résumé when applying for jobs?
I’m gonna wait for my aunt to finish her coffee before I tell her I kinda backed into her car just a little this morning. Seems like the right thing to do.
‘I can quit anytime I want’ I mutter to myself everyday on my way work.
While sitting on the beach, 16 told me he is going to go under the pier with his girlfriend and catch crabs.
They grow up so fast.
All I’m saying is if getting weighed naked at the doctor’s office wasn’t discouraged, people’s weight at home and at the doctor’s office would be much closer.
Smears cigarette ashes on forehead so I can show up late for work.
I have good news & bad news
“bad news 1st”
I died youre talking to a ghost
“OMG & the good news?”
I broke the world record for eating bees
*bird forgets to set alarm clock*
*worm has pretty laid back morning*