Sorry Windows. The only thing a “strong” password will do is lock me out of my own computer when drunk. 1234 it is.
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No, officer, no one is being murdered. I just had to rinse the shampoo out of my child’s hair.
Barista: Can I get a name?
Me: Free
[Later]
Barista: I’ve got a caramel macchiato for Free
*fights break out as I smile from the corner*
When I randomly walk into a room in my home and find my kids playing quietly together I slowly and silently back out like I’ve stumbled into a den of hungry velociraptors who by some miracle haven’t noticed me yet.
According to this Ancestry DNA test, I’m 40% caveman. Thanks, Flintstones vitamins.
Joker: Want to know how I got these scars?
Me: Did you try to hug a squirrel? Because, you know, been there.
Joker: No I…wait, what?
me: I’m not feeling well
doctor: take your glove off
man: want a carrot?
horse: ok.
man: we’re friends now right.
horse: i guess.
man: great hey can you help me move.
Judge: And that’s how we’re determining who gets the kids in the divorce.
Edward Scissorhands: *nodding*
Kim Paperhands: No.
Date: So… Tinder, huh?
Me: Yup.
Date: …
Me: This is kind of awkward.
Date: Maybe we should’ve used real pictures.
Me: You think so, MOM?
Your neck. There’s an axe for that.
Podcasts are like babies, they’re too easy to create and not everyone should have one
If a woman looks sad, tell her “You’d be pretty if you smiled more” and you won’t see her looking sad anymore because you will be dead.
By the power vested in me by my credit card, I now pronounce you my new fluffy hat. You may now hug my head.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
“No, no his nose was a bit more avant-garde than that. His eyes suggested he’d lost a ladder.”
“You never forget how to ride a bike” sounds like a dare to me.
Husband: Do you like it hard or soft?
Wife: You know I like it hard-parents passing taco shells on a wild Tuesday night
Top causes of divorce:
1. Finances
2. Infidelity
3. Unmet expectations
4. Growing apart
5. Tandem bikes
*gets summoned to the spider court*
YOU ARE HEREBY CHARGED WITH THE CRUSHING OF 4 SPIDERS
HOW DO YOU PLEAD?
*places glass over spider judge*
4yo: When you’re 9, you can drive
Me: Pretty sure you have to be older
4yo: Some people can drive at 9
Me: A little older
4yo: Ya, it’s 9
What do you call a moose with no name?
Anonymoose.
[2287 AD]
Omg: dad, where did our names come from?
Karen: the algorithm, son
Meatsheets: dad, we already know there’s no algorithm
Karen: *soft blocks Meatsheets*
*waking up from a nightmare* okay no this is worse
This guy at my work is giving his wife a gym membership for Christmas.
His name was John.
Karate Kid (1984) A Japanese man teaches a desperate young boy about bullying by forcing him to fix his house.
It’s very sexy when a man leans over and whispers in your ear. Especially when they say things like, “I saved you some cake.”
In a few hours, after I become a billionaire, I’m changing all the contact names in my phone to peasant.
According to commercials, a woman’s primary goal in life is to lock in moisture.
10 WARNING SIGNS THAT YOU’RE CURRENTLY READING A LIST
[my first cutaway on The Bachelorette] I can eat more roses than any of these guys
Crazy but not like defend my opinion of a roast beef sandwich crazy