Sorry you asked a yes or no question and I talked for 12 days
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I’m thrilled that you found Jesus. Where was he hiding?
Brain: “something is wrong”
Me: “what is it?”
Brain: “you gotta guess ”
if you’re on the nice list santa brings you the expensive bird seed
[ brings ouija board to your grave ]
“Okay, now will you tell me why her number was in your phone?”
Signs that your pet dog might be a scorpion:
– Has six legs
– Fewer people want to pet it
– Responds to popular scorpion names like ‘Maurice’ or ‘Steve’
– Has a tail made of ouch
I hate people who take drugs.
Especially Border Patrol
I made a cool diagram of how the Spanish Flu worked in 1918.
“We run a tight ship” barked the captain, his shoulders barely getting thru the doorway “Real tight.”
he turns sideways to fit down the hall
the most semi-awesome vegetable is the rad-ish
[guy glaring at me because he wants my parking spot]
*adds 72,000 hours to the meter*
4yo: I had a dream about u mommy
Me: I feel so special
4yo: I flushed u down the toilet
Whenever I see a Toyota Prius pulled over for speeding the first thing I look for is a ACME rocket mounted on the roof.
Robber: Give me your phone and don’t try anything funny. *looks at my tweets* Ok, I see that you haven’t.
WIFE: I’m leaving you
ME: oh no what happened?
WIFE: you don’t pay attention to me anymore
ME: this is awful I’ve been working so hard at this
WIFE: it doesn’t feel like you-
ME: it must not have saved!
WIFE:
ME: *pauses video game* I’m sorry what were you saying?
Which word do you think would make a pretty baby name if it didn’t mean what it meant? I’m going with Omelette.
I get a new phone every year just so my friends don’t think I’m lying when I tell them I’ve lost their number
Avoidance is expensive
If I had gone to Rydell High, I would have walked right up to Rizzo and asked, “Rizzo? Is that short for Chorizzo?”
“IT BURNS!”
-My 2 year-old, drinking room temperature water.
Person: “Why are you in a wheelchair?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “My jet pack is in the shop.”
Remember kids, the Toys R Us bankruptcy and liquidation teaches us that poor spelling and grammar will always catch up with you eventually.
How to open a letter:
1. Carefully remove seal
2. Slide your finger unde–okay the seal is back GET THAT SEAL OUT OF THE ROOM NO SEALS ALLO
Me: If you can’t wear white after Labor Day why do people dress up as ghosts for Halloween?
Waiter: I meant any questions about our menu.
I convinced my spouse we needed more “security” but mostly I wanted a video doorbell on our backdoor so I could watch live streams of our dogs all day.
What the vet said: Your dog is a little dirty.
What I should have said: I’ll do better.
What I actually said: You should see my kids.
Me: don’t be hitting!
Her, 5: I didn’t hit him!
Him, 9: you threw a block at me!
Her, 5: yeah, but I missed!
Just vacuumed for the first time in a really long time and apparently I have hardwood floors?
I hung out with a guy the other night and he said “all my friends know you as the girl I tease constantly” and I responded “oh shit that’s crazy my friends don’t know about you at all”
[college career fair]
Me: I cheated my way through school, lied to professors & learned nothing, FML
*CIA recruiter hires me on the spot*
The thing about minigolf is you can only make the putt in 2 strokes or 16. There is no in between.
Waiter: I see you glass is empty, would you like another one?
Dad: Why would I want two empty glasses?