@bossy_bootz

Sorry you asked a yes or no question and I talked for 12 days

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@lmegordon

My toddler only has 3 words, but she can already argue with me.

@SentenceReduced

Don’t advertise “All You Can Eat” then drag me out kicking and screaming with fists full of shrimp.

@P0tterhead_394

My favorite pickup line is when a guy just slides an order of mozzarella sticks towards me.

@alicewhitey

How do you get in touch with the models in the pictures that come with the frame? I have an out of control, elaborate lie I need help with.

@RaisingOneBrow

George W Bush kept us safe just like how abstinence education kept Bristol Palin unpregnant.

@Shade510

The minute the pilot asked me for “a lil’ help?” spinning one of the plane’s front propellers, I knew I was a little too thrifty planning the family vacation.

@QuotingJokes

I love how the Ninja Turtles wear masks to hide their identity. It’s not like you’re a giant turtle or anything.

@OfficeofSteve

IKEA employees are just the souls of previous shoppers that couldn’t find the exit