@spacej_me

Sorry you handed me your baby and I immediately put it in the garbage I thought that’s what we were doing.

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@TheKegKiller

Me: You can’t arrest me. I have to run a marathon today.

Cop: Stop playing the race card.

@lasergirl70

Wearing a pretty new bra today that nobody else is gonna see, so everytime I go to the bathroom, I flash myself in the mirror.

@bazecraze

I like how we say “vegan” now instead of “eating disorder”.

@Annekinns

*Hits rock bottom.
*Receives welcome basket from Twitter.

@squirrel74wkgn

Based on their reaction, I must of nailed the nude pole dancing portion of my interview at the fire department today.

@WigCannon

welcome to denny’s. don’t eat that brown stuff. that’s tables

@kimlockhartga

Oh, you think it’s “awkward” going to a wedding by yourself? Try going when you’ve dated both the bride & groom.

@wequiwa

If I wanted a more difficult pet I would choose a bird over a baby any day. At least it’s acceptable to day drink with your parrot.

@Arroia

I have failed math eleventeen times or so.