@spacej_me

Sorry you handed me your baby and I immediately put it in the garbage I thought that’s what we were doing.

Sorry you handed me your baby and I immediately put it in the garbage I thought that’s what we were doing.

- @spacej_me

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@HughGoesThere

[leaving theater]
me (drying my eyes): I hate movies where a dog dies
wife: that was a werewolf
me: but still

@urgeekisshowing

Personal trainer: So what’s your goal?
Me: I wanna look good in pictures that I’m not the one taking

@realHamOnWry

I miss being stalked. Especially now that I’ve gotten old and easy to catch.

@protolalia

Looking for a job on Craigslist. A guy wants to pay $150 to borrow a valid driver’s license to rent a car. What could possibly go wrong?

@TheAndrewNadeau

NETFLIX: Skip intro?

ME: Yes.

NETFLIX: Okay… you know someone worked really hard on that intro.

ME: Should…should I not skip it?

NETFLIX: I mean, that’s not for me to say.

ME: Okay, skip intro.

NETFLIX: Okay *quietly* you’re a terrible person.

@junejuly12

At least the self-checkout doesn’t ask me what I’m making for dinner with these items or when I’m going to call my mother.

@LosLos__

Wife: Is that a pencil in your pocket, or are you just…

Me: It’s a piece of toast.

@debon7

If they don’t want me to ash on the floor,maybe they should put some ashtrays in this gym