[2.13am]
me: when cows die do they become cow ghosts? imagine being haunted by a cow ghost.
him: *deletes my number*
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Damn I went from ‘I miss the bird songs’ to ‘all right that’s a lot of chatter for 5 am’ pretty quick
“have you seen the gas prices?” no man i drive with my eyes closed because it’s scary
sleeping beauty
Me: I prefer telling outside jokes.
Coworker: Don’t you mean inside jokes?
Me: Not to you
Me: ok what did you do
Cat: U THINK CAT AM ONLY BEING NICE 2 COVER UP CRIME??
Me: well there’s precedent
Cat: AM INSULTED
Cat: AM DISGUSTED
Cat: AM MOST AND GOOD INNOCENT CAT
Me:
Cat:
Me:
Cat:
Me:
Cat: FINE CAT AM PEE IN LAUNDRY BASKET
A guy told me I’m bad at flirting and I got so mad I took back all the dead birds I nailed to his door.
me (putting a $10 bill on the bar): surprise me
bartender: no
me: … excuse me?
bartender (taking my money): you want anything else
Just heard we’re under a “heat advisory.”
Brought to you by the same people who advise us not to drive during an ice storm or hold fireworks when they explode.
Please don’t tell me about your childhood problems, this was my moms cars air conditioning growing up
It’s never too late to accomplish things you never thought you could. I’m 46 years old and just set a personal record for vertical leap when I saw my own reflection in the mirror and jumped like a cat
[Watching 101 Dalmatians with a cute girl]
Hold up, hold up. Pause it, please. Thanks. One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine,
Apparently it’s “against church policy” to drop your kids off in the nursery and then go to brunch.
next time i open up to someone is during surgery
People who clap when the plane lands don’t aim particularly high do they?
Don’t get it. Heard the phrase “keep your friends clothes & keep your enemies clothes, sir”. Now I have a bunch of naked people angry at me.
I’m getting genuinely concerned about the declining literacy rate.
When I was in 1st or 2nd grade my teacher once incorrectly marked that I had misspelled the word “weird” on some schoolwork. Rather than looking it up in the dictionary to prove I was right, my parents had me bring in this coffeetable book of pulp magazine covers to show her.
What smells better than it tastes?
A nose.
Dog: I am more loyal, intelligent, and social
Cat:
Dog: I am faster, stronger, and more dangerous
Cat:
*power goes out*
Dog: *panics and runs directly into the wall in the dark, knocking himself out cold*
Cat: you were saying
How to make a Disney Pixar film:
1. Take something that doesn’t talk
2. Make it talk
Admin smashed it 😂
The reason fish come wrapped in newspaper is because the easiest way to catch them is to sneak up on them when they’re reading.
“Misinformation” oh you mean lies, just say that
What does Mario spend all those gold coins on? He has one outfit, travels by foot & lives in the sewer
I’m allergic to bears. One bear bite and it’s straight to the ER for me.
I only let students whose parents schedule a conference with me, and then don’t show up, chose a kazoo from the prize box.
Piss someone off by calling their dojo a karate store.
Joey does not share food! Except it’s me slapping my nephew’s hand away from my pancakes.
To find out your dolphin name, lick your finger tips and rub a balloon.