Sorry you handed me your baby and I immediately put it in the garbage I thought that’s what we were doing.

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Me: You can’t arrest me. I have to run a marathon today.

Cop: Stop playing the race card.


Wearing a pretty new bra today that nobody else is gonna see, so everytime I go to the bathroom, I flash myself in the mirror.


I like how we say “vegan” now instead of “eating disorder”.


*Hits rock bottom.
*Receives welcome basket from Twitter.


Based on their reaction, I must of nailed the nude pole dancing portion of my interview at the fire department today.


welcome to denny’s. don’t eat that brown stuff. that’s tables


Oh, you think it’s “awkward” going to a wedding by yourself? Try going when you’ve dated both the bride & groom.


If I wanted a more difficult pet I would choose a bird over a baby any day. At least it’s acceptable to day drink with your parrot.


I have failed math eleventeen times or so.