Mr. Webb, what is the greatest threat to national security?
“The dinosaurs in Jurassic World, they always seem to get out”
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i now pronounce you bounced.
Be careful when online dating, if someone describes themselves as outdoorsy, they might just be homeless.
Guy: I’m an organist
Me: what you got against organs?
me: whoa you think I’m buff?
them: no, we said buffoon
Coworker sneezed, and said “Oh my. I don’t know where that came from.”
I’m no Scientist, but I’m pretty sure it came from her nose.
Spell check changed “important” to “impotent” so basically I have a meeting in the morning that can’t get it up.
A bum gets on a bus and walks past a nun. The nun says “youre going to hell”. The bum yells “Damn, Im on the wrong bus” ! 😀
My father will accept 10 ripe avocados in exchange for my hand in marriage.
Some people are uncouth but not me, I’m super couthy.
I love the originality of Jack-in-the-Box’s marketing. Name one other fast food chain with a clown for a mascot.
Doctor: How your diet?
Me: My what now?
I just heard an add on the radio stressing the importance of healthy muscles and it inspired me to bend my elbows more while eating cake.
she’s a 10 but Excel thinks she’s October
In an effort to make strangers more comfortable around me, I will now be kissing the hand of everyone I meet.
I still let my Mom make all my phone calls for me, but my customer service center boss is getting annoyed.
At my age, mercury is in hearing aid.
I just had my first pole dancing class. Anyone know how to show this new skill without coming across as a complete whore? No?
Whore it is.
The glove snap before the prostate exam isn’t necessary. We just do that to mess with you.
[wakes up to crying in the night]
Wife: can you go check the baby
Me, climbing back into bed 2 mins later: yeah that was the baby
Him: You smell nice, what is it?
Me: Chips and dip.
Officer: I’ll need to see a photo ID.
Me: (pulling out a selfie at an R.E.M. concert) That’s me in the corner. That’s me in the spotlight.
manure salesmen ask ”do you want flies with that?”
do u think spider-man ever shot a little of his own web in his mouth just to see what it tastes like
Me ( handing a student a work packet mom requested): So where are you going next week?
6yo: Mario World
Me: Oh, I’ve never been there before.
6yo: Yeah, but we don’t have room in the car.
Me: it’s almost like if someone is interested in me I instinctively run away
Therapist: that’s interesting
Me: ok you seem nice but I gotta go
The key to a clean house is dim lighting.
I say make the bed the second you get out of it. My sister says let the sheets cool first. We each suspect the other of instability.
It’s woman law if another woman tells you your outfit is cute and you got a deal on it you must tell them where you got it and how much it cost.
FASHION BOSS: any new ideas?
ME: how about a shirt with a hat
F: so a hoodie?
M: I call it a shat and as I say it out loud I hear my mistake