When my wife gets upset at me I sneak into her Netflix profile and give thumbs up to the most boring documentaries
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[sees fly]
Hmm… I think I’ll name this creature “Fly.”
[sees bird]
GODDAMMIT
This holiday season, do NOT buy a giant skeleton from home depot. Adopt one from your local cemetery
Son: how will I know when I’m a grown-up?
Me: certain foods will make your stomach hurt.
Yesterday I taught my boss to play Angry Birds. Today, she “couldn’t make it in to work.” This is called managing upwards, people.
Self rising flour is just like regular flour except one time when it was dead for 3 days
burger king implies the existence of an entire burger based feudal system
Don’t stand there judging me.
Have a seat. This could take awhile.
Sometimes men engage in risky behavior.
Like when they buy a vacuum cleaner for their wife for her birthday present.
I am so out of shape right now, that if someone yelled “run for your life!” I’d be like “ya’ll go ahead, I’m meetin’ Jesus today”
“We only had 5 channels and no remote” is the new “I walked uphill both ways, barefoot to school when I was a kid.”
[1st date]
HER: I’m really into PETA
ME: [trying to impress] I love dipping it in hummus
Son: It’s spring break, what are we doing?
Me: Working, “we” are working.
Captain: Does anyone have a hanky we can use for a white flag?
Me: Here Cap.
Captain: Does anyone have a clean hanky we can use for a white flag?
[eulogy] “Before we get started I’d like to ask Jenny, Dawn, Rachel, the deceased’s 2 sons and the entire front row to put down your phones”
I wish I could literally LMAO..That sounds like a lot more fun than 90 minutes at the gym.
I’m going to start eating healthy again so I need to eat this half of a leftover cake to get it out of the house.
OH. WE’RE HALFWAY THERE. WHOA OH. PIGEONS WITH NICE HAIR.
My girlfriend said I never do anything to help so I hid her phone.
I’ll prove her wrong when I find it.
Bird: Good morning! How are you?
Me: Oh my God! You can talk!
Bird *tapping his Bluetooth ear piece*: I missed what you said, some jackass is shouting at me.
sure, sex is good…but have you ever made a really efficient spreadsheet?
Are designated drivers only for people who drink?? Coz I’ve already dropped my keys twice just walking to my car.
Don’t you hate it when some idiots won’t even go 5 mph over the speed limit in the left lane but then when you try to pass them all of a sudden they want to go 127 mph into the sun
Sometimes, I feel like doing high five on their face
If we just refer to ISIS as “Nickelback” maybe nobody will want to join them
LIFE HACK: If you want to remember something write it upside down on the back of your underwear waistband. You’ll see it when you’re pooping
What if Waldo isn’t actually hiding, and he’s just photo bombing all of those pictures?
My rings were getting loose so I gained ten pounds.
The only recipes they have online are where I’m the one who’s supposed to buy all this stuff and then make it. That’s not what I’m looking for
[sending smoke signals]
*your*
*house*
*is*
*on*
*fire*