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More than 500 million planets in the Milky Way Galaxy are capable of supporting life.
Pick one and get out of my face.
Saying you’re single
• sobering
• gets you sad looks at parties
• invites relatives to murmur ‘you’ll find someone‘ for everSaying ‘I stand alone‘
• mysterious
• confident
• puts you on the same level as Théoden King
News:”a black bear hovered over a convenience store in central Florida for more than seven hours…”
They have hover bears?
jealous again
Why do people apologize when their dog runs up to you? You could stuff your dog down the back of my shirt and I’d give you a dollar
Just saw two identical twins out in public together. No disrespect to that lifestyle but please keep it private
If we’re out of croutons, I’ll just turn the toaster upside down and shake it over my salad.
[When Harry Met Sally, 1989]
HARRY: Hey
SALLY: Sup
*roll credits*
5-year-old: Why do you do chores if you don’t like to?
Me: The same reason you eat your vegetables.
5: Because Mom is scary?
Bingo.
If I had laser hair I would never get that shit removed.
God: you’re a koala bear.
Koala: yay I love bears!
God: but you’re not a bear.
Koala: oh.
God: yeah.
Koala: this is awkward.
God: it’s just bears have certain criteria.
Koala: so you’re saying I don’t meet the koalafications : )
God:
Koala:
God: that pun was beary bad.
We need more names like Benedict Cumberbatch:
Omelet Easydozen
Florentine Pepperbatter
very demi lovato saying their favorite dish is a mug because it can hold hot liquids
cat: i brought you this dead mouse
me: no thanks
cat: then please accept this barf
me: i will not
cat: am i displeasing you?
me: absolutely
cat: [eyes narrow] good
The secret to marriage is finding someone whose chore preferences complement yours.
Me: Throw in a few extra this time.
Pharmacist: We’ve talked about this.
Ron Swanson with nurse:
Is there a history of mental health disorders in your family?
“I have an uncle who does yoga”
If I’m at your house and you’ve got a grocery list on the fridge, I’m adding stuff to it and not telling you
Therapist: You have an addictive personality
Me: I think you’re pretty great too
HIM: Hi, I’m Bill.
ME: Hi, I’m…oh shit this is embarrassing. I’m not really good with names.
Ok kids, you get in bed, I’ll get the story book.
All tucked in? Here we go…*opens The Shining
My neighbor bought a fancy ride-on mower for a quarter-acre backyard. That’s like buying a motorcycle you only ride to the mailbox.
In France they call Mr. Bean Monsieur Legume
[blind date]
HER: I’d really like to have sextuplets
ME: Oh wow, me too!
HER: Really?
ME: Yeah, but why did you call me “tuplets”?
Me: oh and I forgot to tell you…
My kid to his friend: you go on ahead, this is going to take a while
“Oh. My. God.” – the first duck to eat bread.
watching Despicable Me with the kids, but pausing it for a quick PowerPoint about how stealing the moon would kill everyone on earth
The closest I am to my hunter-gatherer ancestors is when I am gutting an Amazon package.
coworker: that’s a great ugly Christmas sweater
me *in my regular sweater*: thanks