The new Call of Duty physics got us distracted… 😅
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[gym]
Excuse me, can I borrow your towel? This cinnamon roll is really sticky.
Rubs Vaseline in his eyes so I match my Instagram filter
I want “Diet starts tomorrow” written on my tombstone.
Comic 🥺👉👈💗❤️🔥
Hey Dads who think that being home with the kids alone is called “babysitting”. You’re wrong. It’s called “parenting”. Not the same.
Each and every pizza can be a personal pizza if you just believe in yourself and don’t have any friends.
Conversation between my mom and my 12 year old brother. I am in tears.
me: can i buy u a drink
girl: ladies drink free tonight, idiot
me:
girl:
me: can u buy me a drink
The existence of raw sexuality implies the existence of medium sexuality, but also well-done sexuality
Clerk: How old are you, sweetie?
9: I’m 9. I’m going to be in 4th grade and I want to be a lawyer.
Me: *beaming with pride*
Clerk: Wow, you must be bright!
9: *looks at her outfit* No, I’m just wearing gray.
Me: *face palm*
The next time you hear a celebrity saying, “we’ll get through this together,” send them your electric bill with a thank you note.
IKEA Customer Services: hello, how may we help?
me: I seem to be missing a couple of parts
IKEA CS: could you describe the missing pieces?
me: well, where to begin…
Normal people flirting: Hey you’re cute we should go out sometime
Me flirting: So do you like bread
“Our relationship is nice because we can sit silently and still have fun.” – cool thing to say to the person in bathroom stall next to you.
I can understand why chickens wake up and scream
My 3YO thinks woman get pregnant by eating too much food that somehow creates a baby in their belly and I’m just thinking about how scary that would be.
“Do you want seconds?”
“HELL NAH! I’ve got three kids at home.”
When my cats look out the window at another cat I like to pretend they’re judging and disparaging it with little British accents.
By the nervous look on his face I thought my boyfriend had an engagement ring hidden in his hand but it was just a stranger’s bra.
Whew.
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot kill, the courage to blow up the things I can, and the wisdom to not get caught.
Boss: And why can’t you come in today?
Me: *at an aquatic petting zoo* I’m feeling a little eel.
They say that 50 is the new 40, but these traffic police are having none of it.
I’m giving up for Lent.
customarily, clothes go in the hamper not next to it
4-year-old: We’re playing Star Wars. I’m a Jedi and Mom is a stormtrooper.
Me: What am I?
4-year-old: In the way.
Save tons of money on a weighted blanket by sleeping under the mattress.
I don’t know who this is, but he’s made my day.
[being interviewed from a lily pad in a fetid bog] I mean, if you think about it who hasn’t lied to a witch at some point?
me (first day as a judge): YOU’RE OUT OF ORDER!
McFlurry machine: you’re new here aren’t you?
Q: Why do we put candles on top of a birthday cake?
A: Because it’s too hard to put them on the bottom!
#HappyBirthdayBob
[first day as a judge]
ME: *bangs gavel* order! order!
GUY: *lowers menu* take it easy buddy what’s with the robe