Sorry your team lost. Maybe you should’ve told the players what to do more loudly from your recliner.
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*My Gym Schedule*
Monday: Cardio
Tuesday: Intense weight training
Wednesday: Aerobics, dynamic strength training
Thursday: 3 year break
I have a drawer in my kitchen full of sauces that are patiently waiting for the big day that I use them
My daughter said to a school bully “my dad will give you a fist sandwich with all the trimmings!
Now I’ve gotta defend her honour and beat the shit out of a 8 year old!
When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.
I bought a Christmas tree today. The guy asked me if I was going to put it up myself.I said, “No, I’ll probably put it in the living room.”
When you’re Godzilla every city is a walkable city
My preschooler talks a lot of trash when we play Chutes and Ladders for someone who needs help counting his spaces.
When you watch a movie and two persons kiss when they wake up, are you all awww, or are you a normal person wondering if two bad breaths cancel out?
[rejected dialogue from star trek II: the wrath of khan]
khan: revenge is a dish with a dried glob of food on it that won’t come off no matter how hard you scrub
Don’t go in the woods alone.
Always bring a slower friend.
Sexy lingerie is for single folks… cause when you married, and you gotta fold that shit, it loses all of its appeal… I’m over here struggling, makin a buncha thong balls… these joints is harder to fold than a fitted sheet… #SaturdayMorning
So I said ‘I love you’ but he didn’t say it back. We haven’t spoken since. Maybe he just needs space.
Vet: Your cat’s fine. You can go now.
“wYd oN vAleNtiNes dAy”
Going to work bro it’s Wednesday
Covid has fully convinced me that we would still be working during a zombie apocalypse
Me *remembering my therapist said to be confident enough to answer questions* I’m under the table
Murderer: ok thanks
I don’t mind coming to work, but this eight hour wait to go home is just ridiculous!
Teachers at the pre-school ask why I’m in a good mood in the morning…
I’m like, “Duh…did you not see me just leave my kids with you?”
Abe Lincoln: write this down
Mary: ok
Abe Lincoln: fourscore and seven years ago our fathers brought forth…okay read it back
Mary: this down
Son: Dad can sand melt?
Me putting down my glass: Don’t be ridiculous of course it can’t
Kids follow me into every room: Come on guys, give me space
Dog follows me into every room: Awww whOoos mamas lil sidekick
Maybe I’m the problem..
Nvm that don’t even sound right
Apparently this was on a digital highway sign in Tennessee yesterday 😎
When I say something embarrassing I immediately follow it up with something even more embarrassing so everybody will forget the first one
[job interview for psychic]
INTERVIEWER: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
ME: Well played.
Stretching and yawning at the same time might not look so sexy but it looks like you’re a Pokemon evolving so that’s cool.
I feel like I’m finally ready to be a dad. Can’t wait to tell my kids.
Society: Dance like no ones watching.
Also society: Records it for everyone to see.
Some jerk called me “pretentious” so I called him a “planktupus.” I can make up nonsense words too.
Is it a good sign when your therapist keeps saying Ka-Ching?