Sorry your team lost. Maybe you should’ve told the players what to do more loudly from your recliner.
You Might Also Like
[at mall]
Husband: *pointing at a girl’s huge clunky sneakers* I’d probably divorce you if you wore those.Me: *asks girl where she got her shoes*
My self care time these days looks a lot like me lying on the floor while my 3yo does a high impact circus routine on my back.
Dog shampoo was on sale & cheaper than my normal shampoo so it looks like I’m going to have a shiny, healthy coat for the next few weeks.
What’s the difference between a camera and a sock?
A camera takes photos, and a sock takes five toes
ME: *flipping over a saltine like a Tarot card* Oh that’s not good.
Setting a teachers salary based on student performance is akin to paying a zookeeper based on how well the monkeys are behaving.
Sorry I was late I was trying to separate my shopping cart from another one
Cavemen who roamed the earth were Meander-thals.
Of course climate change is man-made. It’s all been meticulously orchestrated by the Titanic survivors, seeking revenge on that iceberg.
Today my 3yo said that we should celebrate because today is my last birthday… WAIT YOU LITTLE NOSTRADAMUS SHIT WHAT DO YOU KNOW?
Me: I’m a programmer.
Person 1: “make my website pls”
Person 2: “I have a billion dollar idea”
Person 3: “can you fix my printer?”
Person 4: “How do I create a table of contents in Microsoft Word?”
Neighbor: “Can you fix the building’s elevator?”
Following the leaking of nude photo’s of Kim Kardashian, her personal assistant has been sacked for the delay.
Bragging about how much you receive in alimony only demonstrates how much someone was willing to pay to get rid of you.
My brain is a bad influence on me
i do believe that bears are dangerous and anyone who thinks they can get close to one is very stupid. but i also think i am different and the bear would sense my loving spirit
Please allow children to believe in Santa. You believe in essential oils and no one is ruining it for you.
A wise man once said… absolutely nothing.
He let her vent and then they had sex afterward.
I called the fire dept to get my cat out of a tree and they said they don’t do that so I told them them he had a lighter.
If that earthquake had waited three days we would have a whole new major religion by now
This is meant to give your cat a seat at the table but it could totally be a whack-a-mole game instead
I can’t sleep; so I went out & got 2 donuts, glued them to my eyes, climbed up a tree & pretended I’m an owl.
*trains 1 million soldier ants*
*gets carried to work*
Her: Make your own Pizza Rolls.
Me: It says: Not to operate heavy machinery while using this medication.
Her: It’s an oven not a forklift.
89% of the time when my husband tells me I look great what he really means is “We needed to leave five minutes ago.”
Just ran into Björk walking into her hjötel. Ljöking fjörward to her show at Pitchfjörk tjönight (hjöly shit my Icelandic is pjërfect).
Pirates that used X to mark the spot were stupid. If they had used a G, nobody would ever have found their treasure.
Her: What’s with the dozen donuts?
Me: They’re for my meeting at work.
Her: Isn’t it a zoom meeting?
Me: And?
They should really have disposable razors in the women’s bathrooms at bars.
Lifehack: dress your young children in the colors of the food you are serving them to avoid outfit changes.
My daughter is playing “you can’t find me, Mommy”… I’m playing “I’m not trying, Suckaaaa”.