@PatsATweetin

[sorting hat sorting hat ceremony]

sorting hat *wearing hat*: not durmstang please not durmstang

smaller sorting hat: HOGWARTS!

You Might Also Like

@murrman5

*buys Sushi for Dummies*
*preheats oven*
*reads first page of Sushi for Dummies*
*turns off oven*

@KeetPotato

[in heaven after crucifixion]
jesus: “they were horrible dad, im pleased im not going back there”
god: [rubbing his neck] “see the thing is”

@QwertyJones3

My excitement about your Indian food is largely dependent on your pronunciation of “cumin”.

@stevetweeters

Oops. Everyone brought their “see you next year”s to work today and I only brought my throat slashing gesture.

@noneofyours99

I showed my family facebook a few years ago, and haven’t heard from them since.

Best decision ever

@rockymomax

[me as a disc jockey]
me: you’re on the air
caller: please stop singing over the songs

@TravLeBlanc

Women aren’t that complicated. They just want an honest and genuine guy who will give them insincere compliments they might not deserve.

@JermHimselfish

The worst thing about wearing a turtleneck is not being able to get up off of your back if you fall over.

@iamspacegirl

Santa: its snowing Christmas is canceled Put everything in the garbage

Elves: no!

Rudolph: what if I told you I had a very small red light