*buys Sushi for Dummies*
*reads first page of Sushi for Dummies*
*turns off oven*
[sorting hat sorting hat ceremony]
sorting hat *wearing hat*: not durmstang please not durmstang
smaller sorting hat: HOGWARTS!
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[in heaven after crucifixion]
jesus: “they were horrible dad, im pleased im not going back there”
god: [rubbing his neck] “see the thing is”
My excitement about your Indian food is largely dependent on your pronunciation of “cumin”.
Oops. Everyone brought their “see you next year”s to work today and I only brought my throat slashing gesture.
I showed my family facebook a few years ago, and haven’t heard from them since.
Best decision ever
[me as a disc jockey]
me: you’re on the air
caller: please stop singing over the songs
Women aren’t that complicated. They just want an honest and genuine guy who will give them insincere compliments they might not deserve.
The worst thing about wearing a turtleneck is not being able to get up off of your back if you fall over.
I know a guy who doesn’t love Raymond.
Santa: its snowing Christmas is canceled Put everything in the garbage
Rudolph: what if I told you I had a very small red light