SORTING HAT: this kid’s a piece of shit uh I mean slytherin

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Jeez, you do a Satanic voice into a baby monitor one time and your neighbors never invite you over again.


Me: Goodnight Moon
Moon: Well hi there. I can’t hear you because I’m 240,000 miles away and sound doesn’t travel in space. Die in a fire.


Getting older means having to put a daily stop to the romance between my left and right eyebrows before they become One.


“We need something strong and durable to protect cellphones from damage”

LG: Plastic?

Samsung: Metal?

iPhone 8: What about Glass?


This spider just got away from me because I made the classic villain mistake of telling him my whole evil plan before killing him.


birds really just be screaming at 5am, go make breakfast damn


I don’t understand the big hubbub about missing divers. They’re probably just underwater.


In my dreams last night, I met God. He gave me the manuscript for His novel to read, but I never read it, & I had to avoid Him in the town.


Folks I’m seeing Trainwreck tomorrow night. Then after the GOP debate, I might go to the new Amy Schumer movie! Yeah, I went there


What does a corpse and snow have in common? They are both cold and are hilarious to throw at unsuspecting children.