SORTING HAT: this kid’s a piece of shit uh I mean slytherin
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Adobe update is ready to install *gazes longingly into the distance*, but I don’t think I am.
I’ve always wanted a monkey, so I bought one at auction today.
I’ve had him about an hour now.
Anyway….. Monkey for Sale.
DRIVING CLASS: 10 and 2
REAL LIFE: 7 and french fries
oh shit. came home & there is a giant cat in the bed
[job interview]
“any questions?”
yeah is it Pets Mart or Pet Smart?
“ma’am this is a bank”
I know but you seem like a man with some answers
me: so how do i look
eye doc: terrible
me: think glasses would help
eye doc: no i can see you fine
The whispering voices in horror movies but they’re complaining about unfolded laundry.
Inventor of numbers: No, see they never end. You can always add 1 to the previous number
People: What the
Inventor of the alphabet: I told you guys you should’ve let me handle it.
Spring is what we call the time in between complaining about the cold and complaining about the heat
My husband and I have reached the age that neither of us will get up to investigate even the strangest of noises.
Stellar hiring process HR. The new lady broke into song when being introduced to me. I give it 2 days before her first cat-related meltdown.
Doggy day care is like a regular day care except you have to enter from the rear.
Age is just a number….that now takes a really long time to scroll to.
Getting older sucks. I hurt my back trying to flirt.
[At the Grand Canyon]
Me:
I L o v e T h i s P l a c e
[ECHO]
[ECHO]
GC: Let’s just be friends
Don’t you hate when the whole bus is empty, but some guy sits right next to you? I know you do. That’s why I do it.
*takes chip clip off Funyuns bag*
*bites into Funyun, discovers it’s stale*
*throws chip clip across room*
“You had one job”!
[bank heist]
rob: what’s the plan
me: tom, you get the car ready while i hold up the bank
rob: it’s “rob”
me: sorry, tom get the car ready while i rob the bank
If I can’t msg you after years of no contact asking if you want some human teeth just block me now.
if any of you are fans of deep house music blasted at high volume, i’d highly recommend the grocery store around the corner from me.
Hey Pringles, It’s time to widen the can. Your core demographic isn’t exactly thin-wristed. Thank you!
I have a scar on my lower back from the time I bounced on a trampoline and landed on one of the springs the wrong way.
I call it my trampoline stamp.
Kids today don’t know how easy they have it. When I was young, I had to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change the TV channel.
*10 min into new workout*
Me: are my knees supposed to make this screaming sound?
Ever read something so magnificently stupid that you have to just stare into space for a little while and reconcile with your brain for having been subjected to it.
MURDERER: could a murderer do THIS? *defendant proceeds to not kill anyone*
JUDGE: he’s got a point
I once got a ride home from the pizza guy by ordering 1 pizza to be delivered to the bar and 1 to my house. Pretty sure i deserve an award.
Coworker: got a second?
Me: you mean the one you just wasted or another one?
Noah’s wife: the ark is falling apart
Noah: glue might work, I have an idea
Horse: it’s weird he brought 3 of us