Corn mazes can be confusing until you remember corn isn’t walls and you can just walk right through it.
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Those 3 little letters that mean so much: PTO
I’m worried that if there is ever a fire at my house, my kids will ignore the smoke detectors and sit down at the dinner table.
You raised me and taught me everything I know. Happy Father’s Day, internet.
Thinking about the time a professor commented ‘please justify in the final version’ on my draft and I spent around a 1000 words justifying what I wrote but turns out all she wanted was for me to justify the text alignment 😭
my plan for the new year: getting fit as a fiddle, complete with strings, bridge, tailpiece, chin rest, and f-hole.
I get Botox so my face won’t show people what I really think.
Online recipes have finally added a jump to the recipe button. Now if blogs could add a jump to the point button, life would be golden.
Me: I’m not gonna go crazy this year
Also me: cooks 85 dishes for Thanksgiving and wonders why there are so many leftovers
me: SHARK
lifeguard: omg where
me: lol sorry, that’s my dog’s name
*dog appears and drags lifeguard into the ocean*
me: it’s- *over screams* IT’S BECAUSE HE EATS PEOPLE
“Bjork” would make a great name for a beet-based pork substitute.
hi friends- for the new year I’m taking a break from life so I can focus on social media. if you need me you can find me here, constantly
Coffee so hot you pretend not to notice it when you’re out with your wife.
I don’t have an insurance policy on myself because there’s no sense in tempting my wife more than she already is.
Okay, wait a second. I pee, I do my belt, THEN I wash my hands. I don’t know about you but I’ve never, ever washed my belt.
My wife asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I winked at her.
She bought me eye drops.
Breath escapes my broken body. I collapse amid dark, icy spears of pain. The fight’s done. It’s over.
GYM INSTRUCTOR: You’ve done 9 seconds
Friend: [rubs my shoulder] Aw, honey, your life isn’t over. It’s just beginning!
Me: *sobs even harder
My ‘Mom Voice’ was so loud even the neighbors washed their hands and cleaned their rooms.
it kind of looks like someone just took away their laptop
I’d rather fork than spoon.
If looks could kill
*married driving*
Her: ‘You should pass this guy.’
Me: ‘You should have told me that vasectomy was completely unnecessary.’
Famous people could rob banks wearing masks of themselves and they’d never get caught.
Ariel was a minor and couldn’t sign a legally binding contract. You’d think the king of the ocean’s lawyers could get that shit thrown out.
Overheard:
The one thing we’ve learned from this crisis is that if the Martians invaded earth, our first response would be to lower interest rates.
me: I always follow my moral compass
friend who’s lost in the woods with me: maybe we should’ve followed a compass compass
Me: *rubs broom back & forth in front of kid gliding in heelys
Friend: pls stop curling children
PLOT TWIST:
Son: When did you have your first self-own?
Me: I made fun of another kid in my class for not knowing what sex was and then I said it meant “whether you’re a girl or a boy” and everyone laughed at me
Son: No, your first CELL-PHONE
the joker: lol i’m going to get rid of the one thing you care most about
batman [through gritted teeth]: pancakes
robin [slowly being dropped into pool of sharks]: what