Soulmate sounds like something Satan puts in his coffee.
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Can. I. Help. You.
Inside of you are two wolves. Inside of me are twenty one insane weasels. We are not the same
One minute you’re 18 years old and in the mosh pit at a Black Sabbath concert and the next you’re ordering compression socks off of Amazon.
Pepsi and Coke can’t even be in the same restaurant together and society wants us all to get along. Pffftt.
*eats a carrot*
*checks off new year’s resolution*
Look, I’ve been a widow struggling for four years to raise my kids on my own. Hallmark told me I should have tripped over a handsome hunk of man, who turns out to be rich, with a good heart by now.
This is bullshit!
Me: Maybe you should slow down on those granola bars. We got 30 yesterday. And there are…4. 4 left.
Husband: This house is a prison.
To All The Boys I’ve Loved Before They Decided I’m A “Good Friend”
Sorry I declined your Facebook friend request, but I can’t have those sideburns popping up in my news feed unannounced.
I’ve adopted an elephant virtually. The elephant itself is actually.
“i hope this email finds you,” she threatened
Conan: Texas recently had 9 earthquakes in a day. But don’t worry: Scientists are hard at work figuring out exactly what God was angry about
Nice try Hitler
every time i go to karaoke i tell myself ok. you are not a good singer. no need to be a hero. and then one and a half beers in im like “i am gonna do Video Games by Lana Del Rey so good i end war”
me: dinosaurs can’t talk
her: how do u know
me: they’re all dead, barb
My superhero origin story began when I was bitten by a radioactive sofa.
Me: *reciting passage from The Satanic Bible*
Them: You idiot, what have you done? You WOKE the devil!
Lucifer: Intestines are just water slides for your poop
*stares at phone for 3 hours*
*puts phone down, reads book for 5 minutes*
*glances up from book*
Wow, look at all these braindead fools glued to their phones
Notes to my My normal
kids teacher handwriting
I always end up at the store behind people who’ve never been to a store.
I simply point out, might not a warm piece of buttery toast have the same restorative effect as the cigarette to the smoker? And yet when I ask for a Toast Break I am laughed at . . .
*checks sons backpack to see how I did on his project*
[my first day as a financial investor]
“I’m going all in on this Acme Corporation. Anybody want a piece?”
In Scotland, we stop doing the accent when you guys aren’t around.
The Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles wore masks to hide their identities from all the other walking and talking turtles
They say money talks, but mine barely gets a chance to introduce itself before it’s gone.
Pro tip: The Labor Day weekend is a great time to start drafting your Halloween, Thanksgiving, and Christmas tweets.
The hay in baby Jesus’s manger came from Christian Bales.
Me, representing myself in court:
First of all your honour, how could I have known that this was illegal? I’m not a lawyer!
My 12-year-old daughter has been watching Hallmark movies all day and eyeing me with increasing disdain