My new lady Dr just flirted with me. Bit her bottom lip and told me I’m too sweet.
*Her exact words were “severely diabetic,” but I know how to read the signs.
You Might Also Like
me: I always get shy around beautiful women
friend: just tell her
cashier: hi
me: *quiet mumbling*
cashier: what?
me: ᴵ ˢᵃⁱᵈ ᵗʰᵉʳᵉ’ˢ ᵃ ᵈᵉᵃᵈ ᵇᵒᵈʸ ⁱⁿ ʸᵒᵘʳ ᵈᵘᵐᵖˢᵗᵉʳ
I usually stumble upon her safe words by accident, like when I say ‘moist’ or ‘I paid full price for everything at Whole Foods’
[The shark attack sketch]
Him: I’m terrified of being attacked by a shark.
Her: You’re so dumb. The chances of that happening are less than one in three million. Lol.[fin]
ME: *wearing medieval armour* I’d like to book a room.
HOTEL RECEPTIONIST: How many nights?
ME: *lifts visor* Just me.
Becoming a parent changes your whole life.
One change I was not expecting was that whenever I sit down, I release a hormone only my child can detect that causes him to ask me for something.
So hopping on a bandwagon is bad but falling off the wagon is also bad. Which is it society? Where is the acceptable orientation relative to a wagon?
Do you want to taunt a snowman?
My cat caught me watching cat videos on the Internet so we now have a shared Twitter and Facebook account.
Well the fat lady started to rap so we really don’t know what to do
The book I bought on dog training doesn’t seem to be working. I don’t think she’s even reading it.
Man texted: “I want you to be my little angle.”
I answered: “Do you want me to be obtuse, right, or acute?”Two days have passed, no reply.
Don’t go into a house that has candlesticks, you know somebody is about to get murdered
James Blunt: you’re beautiful
James Blunter: I’ve seen better
Son: daddy what happens to our poopy when we flush it?
Me: our poopy collects in what’s called a septic tank where it forms with all our other poopies to become one giant poopy monster waiting on our command to rise and destroy all our enemies.
Wife: okay no.
Having kids means you’ll have a lot of interrupted conversa–
person walking by my house:
my dog: I’ve killed people for less
[Person who spends 20 hours per week in the gym]
“The trick is to drink 8 glasses of water a day.”
I work all day in front of a MEDIUM screen, so I can sit all evening looking at a BIG screen while scrolling on a SMALL screen
Easiest way to make friends? Craigslist
Hardest way? Hmm probably putting your chin on a stranger’s shoulder from behind them at an Arby’s
Mantra at the gym:
When the zombies come, cardio will matter.
[opening the fridge to find no yummy snacks inside]
[me to the fridge] you had one job
If god can artificially inseminate someone, why did he need two of every animal on the ark to repopulate the world?
You’re not allowed to be an eyewitness on the news unless you’re the most confused person at the scene.
My boss said when I’m at work, I should lay off the Doritos. I said “you’re the boss if you wanna fire Bob Dorito and his brother you do it”
People always say that when you have two kids that they’ll play together so it’s less work for the parents. Nobody mentions how loud they play together though.
Me *Happily comes home from the hairdresser with fresh highlights and cut.
Bf: So what did they do to it?
Kids: Can we go outs-
Me and wife, together: YES PLEASE
Missing someone and wanna meet them? Just wear the worst clothes you own and go to the supermarket. They’ll run into you.
I’m going to take all of your tweets that make absolutely zero sense and combine them to make a Red Hot Chili Peppers song