Went to buy face moisturizer and the young girl at counter said, “Lets find something for mature skin.”
And then Security had to escort me.
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[arrested in 1985]
COP: you get 1 call
ME: [dials one of 37 numbers from memory] Hi, I have bad news
[arrested in 2018]
COP: you get 1 call
ME: [trying to remember ANY number] I think there’s a 7 in it
INTERVIEWER: Under special skills, you wrote you can be distant and vague?
ME: *staring out the window* Idk, maybe.
You don’t know awkward and uneasy until you’ve seen the way I hold a cat.
If pharmaceutical companies have taught me anything, they’ve taught me that people with life threatening illnesses love to hike.
Me: Wanna high five with our hearts?
Teammate: For the last time. It’s called a chest bump.
Enter new password
“336Hours”
Your password is two weeks
moms bragging about their kids like ok we’re just gonna sip our wine and pretend Claire’s kid didn’t just ask how many years she’s been 8 for
interviewer: questions about the job?
me: how can I get suspended with pay
Every winter Olympic sport is just a variation of either ‘get down hill fast’ or ‘knife feet’
The only hot singles in my area are in my wallet
Me: [buckling 3yo into car seat] You can’t have a popsicle in the car. You’ll get messy and sticky.
3yo: *ear-shattering screams*
Me: Good point. How many do you want?
I pet my dog and she started to purr. Thought I should lay off the drugs until I realized the cat was sitting behind her.
I accidentally complimented only one of my kids and their sibling lost their mind. As any parent knows, ice cream resolves this situation, but you should give the kids some too.
gf: Daddy
me: don’t call me that it’s creepy
gf: Sorry Baby
me: that’s better
The locals are gushing over my poor axe handling skills
I’m at the age where if I took an oatmeal bath I would want to add blueberries.
Me: What are you doing?
4yo: I’m scalloping like a horse.
HR: Know why we called you down?
Me: Hmm…my trench coat?
HR: Try again.
Me: Because I’m naked under my trench coat?
My uncle was sitting alone at the table & I said “sitting with all of your friends?” And he said “yeah having a good conversation with your boyfriend.” I love the holidays!!!
The dismemberments will continue until morale improves now back to work and chop chop
*halfway through watching the movie ‘the sting’, i finally lean over to my wife & whisper* if i don’t see any bees in this movie in the next five minutes i’m going to bed
That hospital class on parenting I took didn’t include enough wrestling tips.
I’m the kindest, sweetest person you’ll ever meet. However, if someone was having a seizure in my bathtub, I’d probably throw in my laundry.
This oxygen mask is bullshit. I don’t look like oxygen at all.
waiter: would you like to know the one thing on the menu we’re out of tonight?
me: no no I’ll find it thanks
Child: Hey can I go outsi-
Me: YES PLEASE
My psychiatrist and I had a major breakthrough.
Now he can hear the voices too.
“You can definitely fit thru there…just get a running start”
~ whiskey
Idk why but I get so much joy out of responding to phone scammers with the most dire and preposterous situations
I apply an inordinate amount of baby oil for someone who is not a bodybuilder.