Me: *talking to teen daughter*
Teen: I can’t hear you.
Me: *unplugs WiFi*
Teen: I HEARD THAT!
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[showing off my distressed jeans]
jeans: AHHHHHHHHHHH
Our new neighbours came over with an email and phone number because they’re leaving their teenage son home alone for a few days.
I told them not to worry.
I’ve seen The Graduate and he’s in good hands.
Sealed it with my super genuine slow wink.Anyways, making friends is hard.
I’ve requested to be buried in a spring loaded casket filled with confetti so that a future archeologist will have one awesome day at work.
Happy Thanksgiving
Why don’t Elvis impersonators call themselves the next best King?
When the birds sing at 4 am it’s “beautiful” and “a part of nature” but when I do it, it’s all “shut up or I’ll call the cops”, and “why is it always Bell Biv Devoe.”
[exotic fish store]
AMISH GUY: Yes, I’d like to buy an acoustic eel, please.
Whatever you say to someone, do it while slowly landscaping a tiny zen garden to really bring it home.
[ordering Indian food]
them: thank you for calling Chutneys, what would-
me: I’m white
them: say no more, where would you like your butter chicken and garlic naan delivered?
realization:
the asteroid that ended the dinosaurs was technically the highest ratio of killing birds to one stone in earths history
just saw the barbie movie and it’s fantastic! i won’t give away the entire ending, but she does kill osama bin laden.
I stole a friend’s phone today and set it so it will autocorrect “I’ve” to “me’ve” and me’m really excited about it.
Just think: right now, your body is cookin’ up some poop.
If dog hair were a commodity, I’d be tweeting this from my yacht.
Have you ever cropped a picture as you texted it; the crop didn’t stick and now your wife is asking who that woman is?
[Preens and poses in front of security camera]
*Shoplifts makeup and diet products*
Security Guard: Let her have it.
If the emoji I wanna text is not in the “recently used,” you may have to wait 3 days till I find it.
I need a Magic 8 ball so i can find out if I’m drinking today or if I’m re-shaking it until i am
A moment of silence please. Not for anyone in particular, everyone just shut up.
Oh good, a gift card to Arby’s.
*waits for their birthday*
Them: Thanks Aimee for the…
*opens box*
(cat hair pasted to paper & framed)
My children wanted to play neighbours and are very upset that I called the cops to report them for trespassing
I’m too fat to be a hipster. I’m thinking of becoming a Heapster instead.
Oh no 😂😂💔😭
Home is where the h…ell did I put my car keys?
I took my kids’ screens away so we could spend some quality time together and it turns out they are really terrible to be around
National Ex Spouse Day fell in the middle of Serial Killer Week, coincidence?
A few years ago my dad was driving me to my chemo appointment. Silence. He looked intense. I couldn’t imagine what he was feeling, I’m not a parent. I took his hand and said “what’s on your mind?”
He said “man…having antlers would be crazy”.
Hardest I’ve laughed. Carry on.
Did you know?
Baby kangaroos are called joeys because they are the enforcers for the Marsupial Mafia.
My toddler just threw her teddy bear out of her crib like she works for United Airlines.
my date ended up being a mannequin
i was so embarrassed at the restaurant and then at the movies