Sounds like thunder outside, but it’s 2020, might be King Kong for all I know.
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Someone cut in front of me in the salad bar line today.
I didn’t do anything because anyone who wants a salad that badly terrifies me.
[first day as a doctor]
me: we need to amputate your son’s leg
mother: i want a second opinion!
me: the star wars prequels were pretty good actually
mother: no, another doctor
another doctor: attack of the clones is my favourite
4yo: can you get this open for me?
Me: oomph this is kinda tough
4yo: use your claws
I have no problem sticking to a diet if I go to sleep right after breakfast.
putting soup in a square tupperware…… it’s just not right. it should be a circle one which is the shape of soup
Hello 911?
“What’s your emergency?”
You work in a building?
“Yes”
Inside?
“Yes WHAT’S YOUR EM-”
So you’re saying 911’s an inside job?!
ME: I’ve expressed this political opinion so clearly, there’s no way anyone could misinterpret it.
THE INTERNET: lmao challenge accepted
The fact that there are space cowboys implies that there are space cows and that’s why I haven’t slept in 4 days.
*Hamburglar returns home with bag of hamburgers*
*his wife, holding a crying baby, slaps the bag out of his hands*
“WE NEED MONEY, DAMMIT!”
ME: I will now pull a rabbit out of my cat
MAGICIAN TEACHER: omg what have you done
She didn’t understand so I took her hands & looked in her eyes & said “I know this is a Starbucks but I just want plain black coffee idiot.”
Just had my biannual teeth cleaning like some barn animal.
My son fell asleep early, so I’m going to live like I did before having kids!
*cooks on front burner of the stove*
Lets keep this short tell me what I did right
my perfume shop will have selections like eau de fresh bread, eau de sizzling bacon or eau de piping hot coffee
My walk of shame is going back for a shopping cart after realizing I can’t carry 23 items in my arms through the store.
*boyfriend calls girlfriend*
Bf: “Hey Babe, I love you!”
Gf: “we’re breaking up”
Bf: “no we’re not, I can hear you just fine.”
{batman walking downstairs}
“Hmmm. Looks like Catwoman’s left me a present”
[the half-eaten corpse of Birdman lies lifeless on the carpet]
*jesus turns water to wine*
me: you can’t just insert goods into an economy you’ll cause deflation
Jesus: my child-
me: NO! it’s bullshit!
“Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Waldo, Not Waldo”–Where’s Waldo Audiobook
Don’t worry, you’re not the first person to misinterpret my flirting as food poisoning
Wife: Could you be dehydrated?
Me: Of course not.
W: How much water have you had?
Me: Two coffees & a bourbon.
W: Wow.
Me: Told you.
the hardest part of your wife going into labor is everyone interrupts the movie by asking questions
Wife: Don’t you hate when you eat something that’s not very satisfying but it’s too late to eat something else?
Me: Too late?
*tries CBD oil for the first time*
“OMG OMG I FEEL IT, I THINK I’M HIGH! I’M TOTALLY HIGH”
“Ma’am, there are little to no narcotics in that”
“So you’re saying there’s a chance”
You hear a lot about golden retriever boyfriends but not girlfriends. I am one. Always excited to see you, motivated by treats and pets, constantly shedding
Thank you for ordering this $2 necklace from Etsy. With shipping your total comes to $758,937. Item will arrive from Uzbekistan in 3 years
so
the limit is 412 chicken nuggets
Annoying to think of how many lives on the Titanic could have been saved if only they had seen the movie.