You break into a petting zoo once, to try and brush a goat’s teeth…and all of a sudden you’re banned for life.
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If I go to your funeral I’m going to stand there holding an opened umbrella during the service no matter what
I did laundry for 7 miles according to my Fitbit that I accidentally washed and dried.
Interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
Me: ugh yeah the spacing wouldn’t format properly
Interviewer: OMG I hate that
you’re a rock star,
get your game on,
get your tate on,
“guys check this out”
[Tries to do the fake walking downstairs thing but gets it wrong & walks up into the air]
“Holy shit help”
You can even hide a dead body in Terms & Conditions, No one will ever know.
COP: Have you been drinking?
ME: [carrying 2 penguins I just stole] Good God I hope so
Person I tried to rob describing me to the police:
“long hair, wearing pajamas, honestly she didn’t seem very committed to it.”
20 yr old mom: my child is my life I would give my own life for him
40 yr old mom: GET OFF THE INTERNET RIGHT NOW OR I WILL END YOU