@CulturedRuffian

Sounds painful and this is the weirdest pick up line ever. Can I just pay for my stuff and leave? Mmm-k, Thanks.

You Might Also Like

@MarfSalvador

[jazz club]
date: I love the sound of double bass
me: [sexily] bass bass

@KatieKatCubs

Watching cartoons with my son is awesome except for all the commercials & now his Christmas list has 26,724 things on it. Shit.

@andlikelaura

[me flirting]

Cute guy: hey how’s it goin

Me: YES I ALSO LIKE BLUEBERRIES

Cute guy:

Me: THEY’RE ACTUALLY PURPLE WHEN YOU SMUSH THEM

Cute guy: *backing away*

Me: I HOPE DROGON IS OKAY

@fillthevacuum

Doggy day care is like a regular day care except you have to enter from the rear.

@Skoog

mom: you waste your money on stupid stuff

me: you’re right. btw how’s that panini press working out?

mom:

me: making a lot of paninis with that thing?

@Alex_Houseof308

Man: When my brother Sanctus opened his shop, he named it Sanctuary

Friend: Okay, but…

Man: My sister Esther opened her own and named it Estuary

Friend: I know, but just…

Man: So what’s the issue with my own?

Friend: That’s what I’m trying to explain Obi

@Thereeveryday

The 4 stage of life:
1. You believe in Santa Claus
2. You don’t believe in Santa Claus
3. You are Santa Clause
4. You look like Santa Claus

@josh___grant

I wear my tattoos on the inside. Ever since having discount back surgery from a guy named “Spider.”

@LucyLouMcB

Me: “What’s the haps, yo?”
19yo niece: …
Me: …
19yo niece: …
Me: “I’m sorry.”

@PhuckinCody

[starbucks]
BARISTA: can i get a name?

ME: sure. you look like a Tiffany

BARISTA: no i mean a name for the order

ME: oh! we’ll call this “the most important order of the day”