Not Wordle. Just a cactus.
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I’m convinced that blame is the fastest human reflex.
[leaving Hooters]
Wife: you thought there’d be owls
Me: *wiping away one tear* of course not don’t be ridiculous
I never realized how many “favorite” coffee mugs I had until other people tried to use them.
Today on House Hunters, we’ll attempt to entangle Hugh Laurie in a giant net.
what i mean when i say i’m rolling myself a fat one
these physical therapy memes r ruthless bro
Me: *being patted down* I can explain
Cop: *holding several ziplock bags filled with cheeto dust I had down my pants* this isn’t illegal but I’m listening
The remote isn’t working! And the TV’s stuck on Food Network again!
“Are you in the kitchen?”
Yes.
“Honey, that’s the microwave.”
T-shirts I own: 384835³
T-shirts I wear: 6
haha of course i know how to pronounce marchioness of cholmondeley but you go first
It cannot be a coincidence that I am in the market for a stable girlfriend on the exact same day that Britney becomes single.
imagine a dolphin. now imagine a small dog. folks there is plenty more where that came from
“You’re a HORRIBLE parent!”
– my daughter because I won’t let her use a chainsaw to make a treehouse.
All my personalities waiting to see who gets to be in charge today
Mafia boss: “So, did you do it? Is he dead?”
Me, suddenly realising what it means to ‘take somebody out’: “Oh, err…”
Like my mama always said, “May you be in heaven a full half hour before the devil knows you’re dead.”
This guy must be getting annoyed by now
Me: ugh I HATE meeting new people
Midwife: Support his head
cashier: would you like to donate to help fight kids—
me: lemme stop you right there. yes
I told you to pick up a slow cooker… All I see when I look in the kitchen is a turtle wearing a chefs hat
Walking around the house in my undies again…
Not sure whose house it is, but I’m sure they won’t mind
I just hit myself in the face with a hanger while putting clothes away. Zero ⭐️s. Do not recommend.
The Flash is lucky because he can run real fast but also because he lives in a world where every problem can be solved by running real fast.
People make you wonder just how bad prison would really be
*eating chips for breakfast at 3 pm*
I wish I had a better metabolism
I accidentally left my speech to text on while walking my dog, this is the transcript:
My mom found a Barbie Dreamhouse at a garage sale when I was a kid, but all the stickers were ripped off so I drew on appliances and wallpaper. Debbie, down the street, called it Barbie Crackhouse and now she wants to be my friend on Facebook? Ha!
Joseph: 3 minutes BC
Mary: Aaarghhhhhh
Joseph: 2 minutes BC
Mary: STOP DOING THAAARGGHHH THE BABY’S COMING!
Joseph: 1 minute BC
Mary: JESUS CHRIST
But I’m the good kind of abomination, right???