soup is a safe food to eat in the shower it’s already wet so there’s basically no risk

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[leaving the synagogue]

I always thought rabbi was just the plural of rabbit


My coworker had a baby. I had a BLT. I think we all know who the real winner is


i dont care if people dislike me, but if a pet ignores me, i will hit them up nonstop & keep changing my look drastically until they love me


I don’t friendzone people. I relationshipzone them. Want to be friends? Too bad we are dating.


Me: “I just want a girl who likes Star Wars as much as me.”

Hot girl: “I like Star Wars”

Me: “Oh yeah? Name all 3 security guards I blew to get my own private tour of the Starship Enterprise!”


mom: so where did you two meet?

me: [afraid to say we met online] the concrete exercise yard of a maximum-security prison


Reporter: so what is it like being in Maroon 5 when you’re not Adam Levine, um Mr. Uh-
*quickly googles for his name but google has no idea*


Accidentally put the Ouija board in the monopoly box so now whenever you land on free parking it summons a ninth level demon


Wait til the people so excited about all-day breakfast at McDonald’s find out they can make breakfast at home whenever they want.