soup is a safe food to eat in the shower it’s already wet so there’s basically no risk
You Might Also Like
OUR KID WAS SOAKING WET WHEN YOU BROUGHT HIM HOME FROM SCHOOL!
Me: [water pouring from backseat] Listen, this car pool thing was your idea
Overheard in the jewelry shop:
“I swallowed for this??”
ME: I give you all my love and infection.
HIM: Um. Don’t you mean love and ‘affection’?
ME: …
HIM: …
ME: You should get tested.
*security rushes to the department store fitting room to break up a fight but just finds me trying to squeeze into a pair of jeans.
There’s no “us” in nachos.
DATE’S FATHER: if you could have dinner with anyone alive or dea-
ME: Launchpad McQuack
HIM: I don’t think you underst-
ME: Launch👏pad👏Mc👏Quack👏
After I drink coffee I show my empty mug to the IT guy and tell him I’ve successfully installed Java. He hates me.
You had my full attention until you said “without further adieu.”
People who say “in and of itself” are responsible for most of the trouble in the world.
Air conditioners are just human refrigerators
I generally don’t trim my ear hair until it effects my peripheral vision.
Some of you are acting like you got off a flight from Australia instead of losing one hour.
My Darling Petunia,
It’s been three days since the plane went down. I’m not sure a rescue party has been sent out, and I’ve seen no islands towards which to paddle. I briefly thought I saw Tom Hanks, but it must be my mind playing tricks on me. I fear my goose is cooked.
Girl: that’s a fine-tooth comb
Guy: *combing teeth* thanks
[gently waking my mom] I cut my hair like He-Man’s
Damn girl, are you an old ATM touchscreen? ‘Cause I’m pushing ALL the wrong buttons.
A guy in New York had a CVS receipt
stuck to his shoe.Luckily, a lady in Chicago saw it and
was kind enough to pull it off for him.
If I had a time machine, I’d go back and make better mistakes.
wordle is optional. y’all complain so much, just wanted to remind you
Me – When did we get a porch light?
Wife – OK, drink time is over.
Me – Why?
Wife – That’s the moon.
some people wear bees as beards you say? well that seems pretty foolish to me because I have had only one bee on my face and it is terrifying
I flunked out of flight attendant school.
I was told to disarm the doors, so I said they looked fabulous and were clearly going places.
[pregnant with first child]
Wife: our daughter is only going to eat organic, non-gmo, non-processed foods and drink volcanic rock filtered water from the island of Atlantis.
[two years later]
Me: our daughter just licked Cheeto crumbs off the floor.
Wife: she’s fine.
[sees co-worker the next day after failing to kill him on purge night] mondays am i right?
“Let’s take a couple dozen over-stimulated children and give them enough sugar to kill an elephant.” – inventor of the birthday party
If I had a bitcoin for every time someone tried to explain bitcoins to me I’d have a lot of bitcoins, and no idea what to do with them.
I don’t care your religion, sexual preference or politics, if you’re a respectful person, I’ve have a drink with you…
Them: Great, I’ll order a decaf
Me: Get the hell out of my sight!
I could own zero permanent markers and my toddler would find at least 5 of them.
Girl: My dog bit my boyfriend.
Me: Your dog is a good judge of character.
Just ate a whole dictionary. It was alphabet soup, but I figure all the words were in there.