soup is a safe food to eat in the shower it’s already wet so there’s basically no risk

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My Nissan uncomfortably seats 7 if any group of people wants to take an intimate road trip


I’m teaching my boys to leave the toilet seat up so there’s no pee on it when I put it down. Everything is a lie and life is a bad dream.


kid: dad, dad, dad I can do a magic trick, pick a card

*takes card*

kid: ok give it back and *shuffles* is this your card ?


is this your card ?


*27 cards later* is this your card ?



I always try to hold the door open for women I see walk by, so we can talk and get to know each other. But none of them will get in my car.


Can you fail a drug test from a mosquito bite?

Asking for the next person this mosquito bites.


me, after scolding my kids: *walking away*

son: ALEXA, play the Imperial March


My pregnant friends put me in charge of their gender reveal party

I can’t wait till they pop the balloon & find out they’re having a kraken


Me: *eating my 3rd bowl of spicy chili*
Her: OMG you are not sleeping with me tonight
M: *eats spicy chili for the rest of my natural life*