Southern women don’t outright fight. We passive aggressively drive one another into the ground with compliments and trying to make the better fried chicken.
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So I just moved into my new apartment.
Directly below me is a police station.
It would appear that I am above the law.
If you hate being single, imagine being with someone who sets 10 alarms to wake up each day and sleeps through every one of them.
“Valentine’s Day is overrated and presents aren’t necessary to show love”
– *people who don’t get anything for Valentine’s Day
*me
John: There are places…
Paul: I remember
George: All my life, though…
Ringo: How can antibiotics and pro-biotics both be good for you
Moves shopping cart to allow car to park
Lady doesn’t even say thanks
Puts cart back behind her car
Leaves.
Don’t go hunting down relationships or looking for love. Let it find you. Naturally.
You know, like a jogger finding a body on the trails.
Our tree caught on fire we threw it outside and the dog dragged it back into the House
Your love is like Vicodin. You take away my pain but make me sick to stomach afterwards and you’re also white.
Every time I see someone getting a mud bath I assume they’re hiding from The Predator.
Why does my 2yo insist on looking homeless when we leave the house?
Twitter: “New audio and video calling is here!”
Me: “No, it’s f*cking NOT.” *Disables feature.*
I’m no relationship expert but if your partner suddenly starts keeping the bathroom mirrors clean, get your affairs in order
A lollipop is like a normal lipop but it laughs a lot.
Sorry.
mosquitos out here really acting like it’s ok to go person to person without using a rubber
Just bought a new umbrella for the person that finds it tomorrow.
Medusa: so do you have any QUITE LARGE HATS in there
sales assistant: [suspicious] why are you outside the shop shouting
Remember back when we had energy? Those were the days.
Every work meeting this week
Doctor: you have 2 weeks to live
Me: is there anything you can do?
Doctor: I can juggle
Me: nice I’ve always wanted to learn how to do that
Doctor: well it took me 3 weeks
Walmart customers are classless.
You shouldn’t drink Cabernet from a Pringle’s can.
Those cans are meant strictly for Pinot Noir.
Hey ghosts, I just updated my kitchen with open shelving good luck slamming the cupboards you nerds
*answers phone call from boss*
I TOLD YOU TO STOP CALLING ME AT WORK!
Pan Left To Soak Now Predates All Current Roommates
[finally rich enough to go to a tailor]
“How can I help you sir?”
One clothes please!
According to HR, I have “a tendency to rub some people the wrong way”, which is disappointing, cuz I was aiming for ALL of ‘em.
How do u make a Pirate angry?
Take the P out of him.
[honeymoon in paris]
her: look there’s the eiffel towerme: *eyes narrowing* I thought you said you’d never been here before
I would just once like to feel as powerful as a toddler throwing their sippy cup whilst sitting atop their high chair
Where did birds even sit to contemplate life before power lines were invented
At the chemist and there is a man asking for a cream to get rid of his daughter’s nightmares, and the sales attendant is so resignedly repeating, “Sir, please, listen to what you’re saying”.