Space Cat: *furious as he knocks items off of a shelf and they just float in place, mocking him*
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ME: *striking a pose at the end of the runway*
PILOT (over intercom): we’ll take off as soon as this fuckin moron gets out of the way
there were like 2 years when american internet culture was obsessed with bacon and at the time we thought that was as bad as it could get
I love my kids but sometimes I wish the school bus would pick them up at 4:30 p.m. on Sunday.
got my gf a manicure for our anniversary
Dude with 7 followers is criticizing my jokes. That’s not a Twitter account. It’s a group text.
I hate when someone sneaks up in front of you when you’re scrolling on your phone
Imagine if we didn’t have Google and still relied on encyclopedias to find out “Why poop green?”
“we want grandchildren” sorry hope you like podcasts
Government Shutdown: Day Three
Jellystone Park still closed.
Still no pic-a-nic baskets.
Yogi stares at Boo-Boo…
Boo-Boo looks tasty.
an hour into The Sound of Music “yes. this is what music sounds like.”
16 yo daughter: I feel like nobody spends time with me
*returns to bedroom where she has had herself locked in for the last 742 days*
I was playing COD when me and this kid started arguing… then this kid started giggling, and said Wendy’s. Without thinking I said “Wendy’s?” I got hit with the loudest “Wendy’s balls hit your forehead bitch” Ive never left a lobby so fast in my life.
Is that a sweet potato in your pants, or are you just oddly shaped?
When I saw her eating a whole chicken like it was corn on the cob, I knew she was the one for me.
Her: It wasn’t all bad. There were good times, right?
Me: Yeah my mom took me to Legoland once when I was 12.
Her: I meant good times with us.
Me: Oh lmao absolutely not.
It’s that time of year again when I should really check in on my friends with pools or boats to see how they’ve been since last summer.
Trick-or-treating has been canceled, so this Halloween I will be giving out advice.
People always tell you that you’ll blink and your kids will grow up suddenly
How many times do I have to blink before they let me pee alone?
Don’t worry, men. Women can’t tell women to calm down either.
Asked my toddler if she’d work on being more careful when eating in her car seat. Her response was an immediate “No.” At least she’s honest.
The great songs ask the eternal questions: Where have all the flowers gone? How can you mend a broken heart? Who let the dogs out?
Hey guys, I almost did a backflip today!
EMT: Please try not to speak, sir.
[Jews being led out of Egypt]
Woman: *mumbles* 40 years? He couldn’t just stop & ask directions?
Moses: WHO SAID THAT? NO MANNA FOR YOU!
I’m in a long distance relationship. My girlfriend’s in the future.
My toddler keeps running over and yelling “BOO!” in my face.
It’s totally unnecessary, though. I’ve been completely terrified of him since the day he was born.
Whenever the wife asks what I’m eating. I chew faster like a dog and refuse to open my mouth
I always date mathematicians. That way when they ask why I’m breaking up w/them I can say DO THE MATH JERRY. Oh yeah & I always date Jerries
[APARTMENT KITCHEN]
GUY: *pouring cooking grease down the drain* i know i shouldn’t, but what do I care, i rent
[SUBTERRANEAN LAIR OF RAT PEOPLE]
RAT KING: *grease drops on his head* that man-thing is the first to die-die
RAT WORKERS: *about to breach the surface* yes-yes
Me: What would you do to a Klondike bar?
Wife: To or for?
Me: Just one
saw the new Barbie movie and to be honest I expected a lot more shrimp to be thrown on her