Space could be filled with vampires, but we would never know, because telescopes use mirrors.

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You may be a good person deep down inside, but I don’t carry around a shovel


Kids talking at bedtime are like the marketing emails which you’ve unsubscribed to multiple times


Her: “My baby paints with her food because she’s artistic.”

Me: “That or your baby paints with her food because she’s a goddamn baby.”


I’ll never get picked for jury duty because I’d be the one on trial…..


My toddler and I have an ongoing contest where I try to prove I’m a good dad and he tries to prove me wrong.


My 3-year-old dumped pudding in her pocket.

Novice dad reaction: “You ruined your pants.”

Veteran dad: “Thank God. I thought it was poop.”


I seem pretty put together for a grown woman who imagines she’s traveling through a wormhole each time she pulls a turtleneck over her head.


I’v been catfishing my best friend Dave for the last 3 weeks. He’s gunna pay me that $50 he owes me or I’m showing these emails to his wife.