“Space heater” is a pretty ambitious name. How about “shin warmer?”
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[being murdered]
omg yay i never get picked for anything
My kid wants to make a trap to catch rabbits from our yard for pets. I believe in supportive parenting, so I told her if she can catch them she can keep them, and then I told my husband that if he helps her the rabbits will be the only ones getting frisky
If opposites truly attract, the correct life strategy is to be a loser
It’s about time you stopped being a bystander and became a passerby.
This morning I did ten sit ups. Doesn’t sound like much, but there are only so many times you can hit the snooze button.
*amasses epic army of stoners but we do nothing because epic army of stoners*
[Heart: Tell her her eyes are windows into eternity, filled with fire…
Brain: Beacons, stars in a vast darkness]
Mouth: HEY GREAT EYEBALLS
The best trick to ordering pizza is asking them not to cut it. By law, they can only charge you for one slice.
Think I’m just going to tackle the next man who holds the door open for me and put a ring on him. Like we’re married now buddy, congrats
Why isn’t Cindy spelled Sindie? Whoever caid C makes an S cound was ctupid.
I was inept with girls in high school. Once I tried to unhook a bra strap and accidentally made a macramé plant hanger.
Just called the number of a guy I met last night and a pizza place answered. I didn’t even know you could live in pizza places. I’m in love!
Our UPS guy has won 389 FitBit challenges just from walking back and forth to our front door.
if Barbie’s elbows or knees bend when she puts on clothes i’m out
me: this is dave. every word he says is brilliant
friend: hi dave
dave: brilliant
oh shit. came home & there is a giant cat in the bed
[at a dance]
HER: why don’t you take the lead
ME [eating fifth pencil]: way ahead of ya
My kids slept til 7:30 on the weekend so I gave them ice cream for breakfast and let them ride their bikes in the house.
MY GRANDMA: You need to get John more than 1 present this year.
MY DAD: Ugh fine.
[My Birthday]
DAD: Open this one.
ME: ITS A- shoe? It’s one shoe.
DAD: Now open this one.
Marriage is a lot of why are you looking at me like that?
Important news x ( everyone needs this on a Monday morning )
They should advertise estimated end times for concerts where the crowd’s average age is over 30.
Loan officer: What’s your social?
Me: Mostly Twitter, sometimes Facebook when I want to see what my friends and family are fighting about.
*im applying Chapstick and doing curtseys in the mirror*
*dad walks past*
*dad double takes*
*im doing push-ups and drinkin a protein snake*
My 5yo just came out of bed saying she yawned so hard her blankets came off, and honestly that’s like, groundbreaking work in the bedtime excuses field.
I like that they just call it brown sauce. I mean, can you be a little more vague, please. What the hell’s actually in that stuff?!
[parking lot]
ME: *hits car backing up*
Guy: *yells out window* HAVE YOU ALWAYS BEEN THIS BIG OF AN IDIOT?!
Me: *yells back* NO! I USED TO WEIGH MUCH LESS!
yeah no that’s fair
[feudal japan]
ME: we are disgraced! we must commit sudokuOTHER SAMURAI: *disemboweling himself* it’s called seppuku
ME: *sharpening pencil* you do you buddy
I can’t stop thinking about this shirt