[Being chased by killer]
Me: *Frantically tries to finish my Amazon order*
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Me, as a parent, ordering at the drive through after a family road trip: Hi. I’ll take 2 Happy Meals, a medium fry and a vasectomy please.
*Telephone Rings*
Advice Nurse: Hello, how can I assist you today?
Werewolf: *sweating* CAN I EAT CHOCOLATE?
Me: If I’m guilty of anything, it’s hating the way you change the subject
Judge: And all the murders you did
Me: There you go again
*leaves social media, covers webcam with tape, installs encryption software, resets passwords, dons tinfoil hat*
Try and spy on me now!
*ad for Reynolds Wrap pops up in my browser*
SON OF A
Tattoos tell a story, like tribal tattoos tell a story of a guy that wears sunglasses indoors.
Everyone: New year resolutions.
2021: When will they learn…
Me: “I keep looking for love in all the wrong places.”
*later at the abandoned mine*
Me: “Hello?! Would anybody like a date?!”
“The Mystery of the Chewed Shoe” was easily solved when one of the two primary suspects folded under the strain of interrogation.
People who put a strip of bacon on a donut, where does it end? You wanna put a braised lambshank on my cupcake? Why don’t I open up my chocolate croissant and you can shove a live trout in it
Soldier Dying on Omaha Beach.
“dont forget to tell my wife i love her…
and…and…honor me every year with a
…..mattress sale.”
“Women are crazy!”
“Did one try to murder you unprovoked?”
“No I just disappeared from her life with no notice & she went all PSYCHO on me.”
This gratitude journal looks a lot like a grocery list.
when i see a tiny dog carrying a really big stick
Netflix: Continue watching?
Me: *can’t find tv remote*
Narrator: she was laying on the tv remote, but she never found it because she was too lazy to get up
Lol
I’ve been saying I’ll sleep when I’m dead for so long, I’m starting to really look forward to dying.
Me: Are you gonna change your name after we get married?
Her: Yes
Me: What do you think of “Jessica Rabbit”?
I totally understand how “please leave your brother alone” can be interpreted as “throw toys at him.” It’s just common sense.
A guy in my writing group is working on a piece about a superhero who is also a spy who is secretly a double agent. Nobody could convince him that a protagonist with six different names will confuse the hell out of his readers.
My daughter has so many outfit changes I shoulda named her Lady Gaga.
#SometimesForFun I update signs at work
Hello Darkness, my old frie- *the lights suddenly turn on* oh it’s like that now?
I just ordered a set of dumbbells, so that’ll be a fun new thing to trip over while I search for the remote.
Once I was a passenger in a car when a deer ran across the road. I screamed, so the driver looked at ME instead of the ROAD. I’ve trained myself to always scream “DEER!” instead of just screaming. *sighing* So. Anyway, sorry I screamed “DEER!” when you startled me in the hallway.
windmills are bad bc they blow god further away from the planet, making it harder for him to hear our prayers
I passed my genetic engineering exam with flying koalas.
GF: What a perfect night
ME: It gets better *bends on 1 knee* Will you…
GF: OMG yes!
ME: *puts Space Jam DVD on her finger* put this in?
At bedtime I read my daughter a few of my favorite RTs, tuck her in & whisper, “This is why we don’t talk to strangers on the internet.”
Better than the last 5 star wars movies. 😂😂
Green beans are also called string beans so string theory is now green theory. I don’t make the rules or follow them!